I didn’t have a typical high school experience.

I graduated with a class of 16 students.

Most who had, sadly, been there since Kindergarten.

I originally went to King’s West Christian School for the 1st and 2nd grades, escaped to the public school system where I was obliterated, only to race back to the private sector for my 8th through 12th grades.

Needless to say, this was a tiny school. But it was nice to be a big fish in a small, holy pond.

We had no football team, about five basketball players and 3 desperately upbeat cheerleaders, thick calves aplenty.

My first year back was utter hell. I was at an awkward stage (I consider most of my childhood awkward, to say the least) and many of the kids hated me because I was super annoying and weird.

In the 10th grade, our class ballooned to 19 students. Fresh blood. Everyone could finally have a go at dating! No more classroom incest, as everyone had become pretty much blood related at this point.

The four new girls were essentially passed around the entire male population, like an issue of Playboy in a boy’s treehouse.

I dated two of them.

One of them kept her disposable contacts in so long, they sealed themselves to the eyeball and she became legally blind for a bit afterwards. Needless to say, sh was only at our school for one year.

That year, I came into my own, found a sense of humor (on the ground, someone must have left it) and people started to like me.

I joined the drama club and ended up stealing the pretty new girl from the most popular guy in class.

It was one of the best years of my life.

There wasn’t much in the way of security at my school.

Most students were granted two lockers each. None of us had locks on them. In fact, many of us kept our bulky bags and backpacks outside the lockers, sitting vulnerably on the ground!

Here, innocence was as rampant as the boy’s clip-on ties every Wednesday at “Chapel” held in the gymnasium.

My pre-calculus class had four students. We were all forced to sit up front.

I’m not sure how much knowledge I gleaned over the course of the year but I do remember us watching the Muppet Christmas Carol movie and laughing non-stop at the teacher’s witty comments and intense mullet.

I was thrown out of my classes, on occasion, for excessive chatting.

Forced to sit out in the hallway until the period ended. No further consequences, such as principal visits or contacting parents.

I recall an incident where, during a test, this girl and I were sharing hushed giggles that her pen kept malfunctioning and as we both reached to snatch up the cap that had fallen to the floor, we both fell out of our desks (she took her desk with her) and began laughing hysterically. I believe we were also both thrown out.

Another girl (who I’m now close friends with) and I used to pass monumental notes to one another during class. More like abstract essays. Did we use a scrap of paper? No. Over the year, we filled up an entire notebook with random babbling.

I had some serious ADD in school and would destroy all of my textbooks by crinkling every single page beyond recognition. To the point where they could no longer close properly.

In Science class I spilled hydrochloric acid on this pretentious guy’s leather jacket. I recall his shrieks (and his hair not moving due to his egregious use of gel) as he darted from the room in hopes of washing it off.

Our English teacher was thin and wispy (she always reminded me of a cancer patient) and would wrap me on the head with a pencil when I was being irritating. I probably have a permanent indentation.

I think every single teacher had horrific coffee breath. Then again, I think its like that at every school.

I enjoyed a friendly feud with my eventual good friend Jessica.

Jessica tormented me and I tormented her.

We would spend the entire bus ride finding new and colorful ways of insulting one another.

Jessica was….big boned. “…But she has a pretty face…”

On TWO occasions I pulled the chair out from under her, both resulting in dire consequences for me.

One time was in science class. Deadly silent. She was returning from a bathroom visit.

Only pencil scribbles could be heard.

She made it TOO easy for me. She would take FOREVER to sit down.

She was begging for some tomfoolery.

After the thud heard round the world hit, I was kicked out of class.

Even the class clown leaned over to me as I collected my things “Dude, that wasn’t cool”.

To be honest, I felt awful.

Until the next time.

We were studying in the library and I couldn’t help myself. This time she fell back and…uh…sort of hit her head on a bookshelf.

What an asshole I was!

It was the last awful thing I did in high school.

After that, we became the best of friends…with one eye always open.

High school was such a casual environment and, although I made it seem like I was always getting into trouble, I always got good grades and pretty much became an angel by my senior year.

Anyone getting consistent C’s or below was asked to leave.

The students were mostly overachievers, mostly white and so easy to poke fun of.

Most of my graduating class were virgins. Most of us had never had a drink, had never done a drug.

(All three applied to me).

However, we were the weirdest bunch of academic 1%’ers you ever did meet and I was really lucky to experience such special, privileged and innocent teenage years.

Which in no way prepared me for the real world.