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  • June 8, 2010 8:14 pm

casa lind

People go batty when you’re giving out free shit.

Whatever it is, from free lotion samples to a new ice cream flavor, people react to freebies in a manner which leads you to believe that free Gillette razors actually contain cancer killing enzymes!

I assisted Thelma and Louise last night at a Sex and the City promotional event at the Century City Mall.

Their friends own a winery in Paso Robles and one of the jewelry stores in the mall wanted to offer tastings of her wine to entice customers to their store during the event.

What the wine ended up enticing were groups of manic, crazed, wealthy, middle aged women on a mission.

Apparently, those attending the function (which included free cocktails, facials, a DJ) had to go to ten stores, getting a paper stamped at each one, and returning for a gift bag full of crap.

So, not only did these women completely ignore all the jewelry in the store, but they didn’t have time for a sip of wine either!

They needed to get these stamps.

They needed to get them fast.

They needed whatever the hell was in that gift bag.

Perhaps a free pink Chihuahua and a syringe filled with organic botox?

Eventually many of the women came back to try our wine. Like they were doing us a favor.

One woman and her two daughters came to ravage the cheese/cracker platter.

Her daughter picked up an enormous bunch of grapes (of which there were only 2)

“Oops” she mumbled, pretending to feel bad that now she had tainted all 70 grapes dangling from the stem and may as well abscond with them.

Her mother, who had zero interest in the wine, took large handfuls of the shaved parmesan cheese and asked if we had any napkins to put them in.

I made the joke that I could give her some tupperwear if she’d like.

The family actually came back and the daughter grabbed another more modest sized bunch of grapes, completely devastating our grape supply.

Much like a swarm of locusts would.

I tasted some of the wine myself, it was actually quite nice.

One weird tiny-nosed woman who just would not leave, kept saying how awful one of the red wines were.

But the b*tch wouldn’t leave and kept wanting to sample it!

“Yeah, that’s the bad one. Yup, it’s that one”

She kept pointing it out to everyone that came in.

Go away plastic surgery victim!!

Then she and another woman got in an argument about their opinions on the Sex and the City movie, both in thick New York accents.

“It was crude, I didn’t find it even remotely funny”

“It’s Sex and the City, what do you expect?! I found it very funny.”

Some lady gave me a free ticket for the flick in question so I left my friends with the mess and saw the movie.

I was the ONLY male in there. And the soberest as well.

I think if I had suddenly gone def, I would have enjoyed the movie just as much as I did listening to the horrific dialogue.

CASA LINDA:

A cute, casual new Mexican joint on Abbot Kinney. Incredible Tacos Pastor!

1357 Abbot Kinney Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90291
Neighborhood: Venice
(310) 664-1177

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  • June 1, 2010 10:04 pm

Joshua Tree 2010 tree at night

I love Joshua Tree.

I think if I decide to get cremated, I would like my ashes scrambled to the top of the boulders overlooking the ocean of eerie, twisted Joshua trees and then let the intense wind blow them away.

Preferably, directly into someone’s yawning mouth. I would like a good laugh as I disperse into oblivion.

Joshua Tree 2010 069bryanwithtree

My friends and I come to JT every year, each time picking the worst weekend for weather.

In past years, it’s been either hot as hell or colder than a witches tit in a brass bra face down in the snow.

This was another one of those years.

Joshua Tree 2010 167jtree at day

We caravanned with another car, my friend driving EXACTLY the speed limit and NOT tailgating anyone!

IT WAS PURE TORTURE.

How can people drive like this? It’s not very responsible, I tell you. Driving someone batty like that.

We arrive to our favorite campground, Hidden Valley, to find ZERO available spots.

We have to drive 20 minutes further into the park before we locate the enormous Jumbo Rocks site, unload our crap and begin the arduous task of setting up our tents.

I have the luxury of camping with Thelma and Louise, campers extraordinaire who do everything for me. I’ve become quite spoiled!

Joshua Tree 2010 045trio

They won’t, however, put up my tent.

I dread this part. I’m all thumbs and jam myself in the eye with a tent pole at least once every 16 seconds.

And then, when all is said and done and the tent is nicely staked in the dry earth, I realize the front door is facing a deadly prickly cactus plant.

In my laziness, I try to negotiate how I would wriggle through the 3 available inches of space into the tent entrance and not have to move the damn thing.

"An Amazing Campfire Quesadilla!" - Julia Roberts

Our favorite camping beverage is the Michelada. Our dear friend Risque has a very specific recipe for them, which we cannot deviate from. We must use Tecate Light.

CAN YOU SPOT THE HIDING LIMES?

Joshua Tree 2010 139micheladas

We sip our beer, lime, tequila concoctions, wishing it was about 10 degrees warmer and listen to the random, easy-listening tunes that emit from Thelma’s pathetically tiny boombox. It’s so old, I can only assume it was stolen from the set of Saved by the Bell.

Joshua Tree 2010 168spikemiadigjulie

For lunch, we snack on some incredible chicken salad that Louise has made, with basil and cranberries. This stuff is poultry heaven.

Which is why I posed my sandwich lovingly on a rock.

Joshua Tree 2010 001chicken

Who-A made some AWESOME cookies. I also posed them gratuitously on the same rock. Against their will.

Joshua Tree 2010 024cookie

We drank a bit too much that evening, and to use a joke that’s getting a bit old: By we, I mean me.

Once the white wine spritzers began a flowin’ and the desert dancing started, things got a bit kooky.

I was tied to my chair by the campfire and while I was “napping” someone drew a French looking mustache and goatee on my face with a sharpee!

When I woke up, I was looking at someone’s computer which as a little camera attached to it.

When I said “Hey look, I have a mustache” the guy replied, “Yeah, that’s just an application that ads facial hair to people.”

And I believed him.

Joshua Tree 2010 073bryankaisha

The following morning, I noticed I was getting strange looks from everyone. They all seemed on the verge of cracking up.

And people kept calling me Pierre and making “no berets in the desert” jokes.

I was clueless.

Until I took one of my million self cam pictures.

When I went to admire myself, I see what has been done to me.

I was impressed, to say the least.

Before we knew it, everyone was up. We assumed it was 11. It was 8.

What??

Who-A and I race off to hike up Ryan Mountain. We raced up the steep hill in record time, admiring the gorgeous views only on our way down.

Joshua Tree 2010 088miaonhike

Joshua Tree 2010 099dessert flowerJoshua Tree 2010 095hike#2Joshua Tree 2010 090hike#1

We later noticed the sign said the hike takes 2-3 hours. We had finished the whole thing in about 45 minutes! Nice work, us!

Later in the afternoon, we visit a quirky, outdoor art exhibit. A trash collage artist, if you will. I definitely appreciated it, as I used to do the same thing as a teenager.

I once covered my apartment wall with painted aluminum foil and painted over mannequin heads so they looked like aliens.

I was quite well adjusted.

Joshua Tree 2010 138outdoor white viewJoshua Tree 2010 137torsoJoshua Tree 2010 120pantsJoshua Tree 2010 114outdoor museum

That evening we wander around our campground, scramble on some rocks and watch the sun set. JT is so beautiful during this time, the magic hour.

Joshua Tree 2010 172morelandscape at sunsetJoshua Tree 2010 164flowersJoshua Tree 2010 156sunset

We eat some awesome steaks and corn for that evenings’ dinner, trying to stay warm by our pathetic dwindling fire.

"Amazing Campfire Rib Eye's!" - Julia Roberts, yet again

We thought the guy next door would be leaving us his firewood before he departed, but decided to stay another night, the bastard!

As we shiver, bundled in blankets, over the single, glowing piece of coal (just as Bob Cratchet would have done) the neighbor comes over with his kid and all of his firewood!

“Well, no point in having two fires!”

Good guy. Didn’t have a single thing of interest to say.

We spend a miserable, freezing, windy night.

My tent is missing its rain cover, so it was like it was sleeping inside a screen door all night. My tent was like a wind aphrodisiac!

My air mattress lost air the night before but I couldn’t be bothered to refill it. So, whenever I felt my butt touch the ground, I made sure to contort my body in unheard of positions to prevent future butt touchings.

The next morning, tired, cold and sore, we all wanted to get the hell out of there. I think we were completely packed up and gone by about 9!

The End.

Joshua Tree 2010 142group

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  • May 25, 2010 10:31 am

tortilla soup

The Venice boardwalk at 6 in the morning is a site to behold.

Picture it. Sicily. 1942.

Actually, picture it. Homeless Hippy Armageddon!

Seriously, when I ran past the gang of patchouli scented misfits congregating by the restroom, I literally see an army of scary, undead soldiers, commandeering the bathroom as their fort.

I continue running past that scene, and narrowly avoid random, dried puddles of melted milkshakes.

Every day, without fail, people are constantly spilling their frozen treats, I really don’t get it. They’re everywhere!

Please God, tell me those are milkshakes.

I run by a random homeless woman, cackling loudly with her friend. They both seem quite wide awake so early.

I’m assuming they had just frequented their favorite Venice coffee shop. Gertie loves her morning chai and will only drink soy milk. She’s picky, that one.

On almost every bench, I see cartons of orange juice. I can only assume some deli owner turned do-gooder has brought out breakfast for the Venice-After-Dark residents.

As I continue my run and survey the scene, I see the remnants of a huge block party!

I think once the tourists scurry away (from their severe allergy to dreadlocks) our lovable Venice-After-Darkies go wild!

There are all these chairs and stools and they’re ALL overturned. Lots of cardboard boxes filled with crap, and those are overturned too.

Everything is overturned or smashed on the Venice boardwalk at this hour.

I see these two women in neon vests attempting to clean up. I find their attempts wildly amusing.

As I transition into Santa Monica, I see a complete 180. Homeless; gone. Streets; clean. Waspy women in expensive running suits; check.

I love when I’m able to housesit in Venice, it really improves the quality of my morning runs.

THE SIX:

Very nice, small joint on Pico. Super expensive tortilla soup (at top) but tasty, nonetheless. Asparagus was awesome.

asparagus

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  • May 19, 2010 6:54 am

A single, perfect CHEESE CURD

A single, perfect CHEESE CURD

Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Football and Cheese.

And…that’s about it.

Well, I’m being harsh.

There are also a lot of churches and super nice people.

There’s obviously something fishy going on in this unassuming town…

Sorry, I was just distracted by a woman who came into my office, parading around a cold sore caked in makeup.

Darlin’, you’re not fooling anybody.

I only looked at her lip twice…about 6 less times than I wanted to. Pat on back.

Ok, so the reason for my journey to Green Bay was for the half marathon.

I usually travel with my friend Captain to various US cities to run full marathons. I find myself growing weary and so I opted to take it easy on this one.

Our friend Mamy Mumacher joined us. We all ran the Air Force Marathon in Dayton, Ohio a few years back and decided it would be fun to reunite for another attempt to break down our joints and destroy our knees!

We stayed with Mamy’s parents, Priest and Nun (much like Moose and Squirrel)

Except they were actually a priest and nun who hooked up! How cool is that?

On our way to the front door, we were chided by Nun “Shh! The robin is nursing her baby in the tree right there!”

Throughout the trip, I inevitably slammed the door several times, scaring the bejesus out of the mother bird and probably preventing precious bile-infused cuisine from getting to the baby.

Speaking of which, Priest makes us some incredible healthy pancakes for breakfast!

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 004pancakes

We headed on over to the Fitness Expo to pick up our marathon bib at Lambeau Field, home of the Green Bay Packers.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 038fitness expo

This field is literally and emotionally the heart of the city. We spent the entire day in and around it.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 019statue

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 010lambeau sign

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 014amymarionatlambeau

We had a beer, cheese soup and CHEESE CURDS at Curly’s Pub inside the stadium.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 034cheesesoup

I still don’t exactly know what CHEESE CURDS are but they are fried and DELICIOUS.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 036cheesecurds

And deserve to always be capitalized.

However, we encountered an issue throughout the entire trip that still haunts me today.

Captain and dairy do NOT mix.

And we’re in Dairyland!

Captain basically rocketed herself throughout all of Green Bay, with her very own, all-natural gas.

It was, at times, mortifying.

Especially in line for frozen custard at Zesty’s. We usually had to leave the line, pretending we left our wallets in the car. All of our wallets.

We were in the Packers pro shop looking for stuff we didn’t need (I bought some Packers PJ’s) when we stopped to “admire” the Brett Favre section.

Mamy ABHORS Brett Favre.

So, when Captain came over saying “I could take a crap on Favre!”, she literally spewed an apocalyptic portion of noxious odors and we joked that she had basically done the next best thing!

We spent the majority of the afternoon in and around BEST BUY.

First, Captain had forgotten her iPod, so we were negotiating with about 7 BB employees on the best way to have her boyfriend email the music to them and them to transport the songs onto a new iPod she would buy.

This took many hours and still didn’t happen.

We spent so much time inside that Best Buy, I now am a flat screen TV expert.

Mamy and I made sure to took an extra long time perusing Bed, Bath and Beyond as Captain and her boyfriend argue over the phone.

I then took a nap in the Prius.

I guess I must have screwed with something because when the iPod ordeal had finally come to an end, Mamy was unable to turn on the car.

After many trials and tribulations, we look behind us and behold! A Toyota dealership!!

Which had just closed for the day.

We eventually asked a kind Best Buy employee to jump start us and we were on our way.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 042prius

Captain scarfed down free bread samples we had gotten from the Fitness expo.

After all, starvation was imminent.

Priest and Nun cooked us a lovely pasta dinner and we all set out our running gear for the morning and headed off to bed.

We wake at 5:15 the next morning and drive to Lambeau Field.

It’s probably the calmest race I’ve ever been to. I have a good feeling about this…

We wait in the crowd at the start line and Captain gasses out the masses.

We begin our run and I do my best to keep up with the speedy Captain. Thanks to the Crystal Method I’m listening to, I’m properly motivated to keep up with her the entire time until she breaks off to finish the real race and I puss out and head to the finish line as she continues for 13 more miles!

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 053marionbryanrunning

I finish the race running directly on Lambeau Field, quite exciting (I think)! There weren’t really any spectators in the field, it was basically deserted. Not even one cheesehead!

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 023cheesehead

I meet Mamy and Nun and I decide to forgo my free Bratwurst and head to go cheer Captain on. We drive to downtown Green Bay at mile 22 and wait and wait. And wait.

We run by a 9/11 Twin Towers memorial

We run by a 9/11 Twin Towers memorial

Finally Captain runs up looking just as fresh as she did that morning, she seems quite rejuvenated to see us and continues on her way.

After Captain finishes (WHAT A ROCK STAR!), I furociously grab my free Brat and whine over the free beer they have just ran out of…

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 067finishline

We head home so we can relax for a bit. Afterwards, we have a late lunch at an old railway station turned brewery and then get some of that obligatory frozen custard.

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 072titletown

Green Bay Half Marathon 2010 076custard

Priest drives us to the airport the following morning where Captain has to leave for NYC and I hope I can get an earlier flight out of lovely Green Bay.

Thanks Priest and Nun for the hospitality, humor and great food!

Thanks Green Bay for all the lactose intolerance!

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  • May 6, 2010 8:10 am

Renaissance Faire 2010 041boobs knife

Why does everyone think I’m joking when I mention my yearly jaunt to the home of the dry ass Turkey Leg, swingers disguised as medieval folk and BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS!

Renaissance Faire 2010 010farawayboobs

Renaissance Faire 2010 012boobs shotglass

I don’t dress up. I don’t speak in Old English.

I eat good British food and make fun of everyone.

And there is so much ammo….

I asked (dragged) Chesty Morgan and Clyde along with me so they could experience what a lifetime of devotion to Dungeons and Dragons creates.

Beforehand, I spent the morning playing tennis with Chesty.

I hadn’t played since I was a teenager and I was, to put it mildly, not bad…

…if I were Elizabeth Taylor and you just tossed me out of my wheelchair, thrust a racket in my withered hand and withheld my morning cocktail before the playing began.

When we arrived at the faire, we stood in line for our tickets and had to witness the most obnoxious Renaissance Family.

There was an unusually tall teenage girl wearing a ‘Knights of the Roundtable’ getup, incessantly clacking two shells, which made the sound of a horse running.

Unfortunately, this horse did not trample the girl.

The entire family was dressed up but we all fixated on the most likely friendless maiden.

When she broke out in medieval song, we couldn’t believe our ears. She knew every word! As much as we felt pity for her boyfriendless future, we were probably wrong in our assessment.

I’m sure she was to encounter many a fellow freak through the gates of this shire.

As we were parched from our travels and required food and drynk, we headed to get our sausage rolls, bacon wrapped asparagus and raspberry ciders.

Renaissance Faire 2010 004sausage

Renaissance Faire 2010 005asparagus

A large woman with a larger bodice asked for my ID and after viewing my chubby picture said “Wow, I can see why you didn’t want to show me this!”

I was too in shock to be offended.

“If it makes you feel any better, you look great now.”

I can’t believe I still left her a tip.

Renaissance Faire 2010 014cider

We downed our ciders, got a little tipsy, used the privies and raced through the hoards of costumed weirdos to the booth that sold MEAT PIES!!

Renaissance Faire 2010 016meat pies

Standing near what I believe to be the world’s perfect food, we discussed the difference between Shephard’s Pies, Cottage Pie’s and Scottish Pies. We got some of each.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

Renaissance Faire 2010 019shephards

Renaissance Faire 2010 021cottagepie

We ate them in seconds, got our second round of ciders, than ran out of money.

We watched the belly dancers for a bit.

Paid two shillings to walk through a ghetto maze

Renaissance Faire 2010 032maze

Took pictures in shackles.

Renaissance Faire 2010 026haller in shackles

Then we ate some more.

Renaissance Faire 2010 035cheesefries

The Renaissance Faire attracts a variety of individuals. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include anyone of ethnic background.

I’ll never forget my first year, I was standing in line and some guy in front of me turned around and said:

“There sure are a lot of Black People here”

Only he didn’t say ‘Black People’.

Once again, I was too in shock to respond.

Plus, he was wrong, I only saw a few.

Eventually, I got the hint that my guests wanted to get the hell out of there.

But we didn’t do so without gorging ourselves on chili cheese fries and a cream puff. Naturally. Much like what Queen Elizabeth would request after a night of too much ale.

Huzzah!!

Renaissance Faire 2010 039creampuff

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  • May 4, 2010 11:25 am

Solik's Birthday Party 2010 015.jpgcupcakes

Work friends belong in their own category.

Sure, you see them all day long and you talk about almost everything. But unless you hang out outside of work, you drop them like a bad habit when one of you quits.

I always squirm when an ex employee I sort of knew comes back to the office to make the rounds. It’s worse when I really knew the person.

Then, I’m expected to say hi, give a handshake or even a pathetic hug.

And promise that we’ll have lunch sometime.

solik skewers

Why are you back?? Does no one like you at your current job?

Did you love it here that much?

Did you forget something scandalous in the bottom drawer of your old desk and you want to see if there was any fallout from its discovery?

Another common occurrence is bringing round the baby.

The woman who’s been on maternity leave so long you’ve forgotten her name, strolls down the halls, showing off her wares.

All you hear is ooh’s and ahh’s.

I usually shut my office door.

Solik's Birthday Party 2010 011.jpgpastries

Well, I’m not that bad. I do a drive by, see if the baby is cute, see if there’s an opening for me to get in there and do my googly-eyed baby stare and THEN shut my office door.

When I leave a job, I don’t look back.

I had an amazing three years at Pretzel Time. And sure, shortly after, I walked by and said hi to the new manager who was a friend, with the hopes of getting a freebie.

But could I imagine strolling in there, reliving my glory days?

No.

I have the 8 hours of videotape I can watch when I’m feeling nostalgic.

Don’t ask.

BOTTLE ROCK

Really fun wine/beer bar, went to a really fun birthday party here. Good aps, nice people.

1050 S Flower St.
# 167
Los Angeles, CA 90015
(213) 747-1100
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  • April 29, 2010 8:02 pm

Haller's Princess Birthday 2010 017cake balls

We’ve been throwing parties at our pool for years now.

(I’m sure this is a sentence the poverty striken residents of Ethiopia utter on a regular basis)

Usually the theme is Luau.

Usually we wear floral print, do the limbo and serve Mai Tai’s.

Usually the youngin’s snort mysterious powders in someone’s bathroom while the semi-elderly pop painkillers and chain smoke.

The year Kenny Loggins showed up, I’ll never forget this exchange, when our inebriated friend “Fish Sticks” walked up to him.

“You gotta know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em!” – Fish Sticks

“Wrong Kenny.” – Kenny Loggins

We haven’t had a party in a while, so I was excited to throw this Princess Birthday party.

For an adult.

Chesty Morgan loves Disney. She loves Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Haller's Princess Birthday 2010 020haller

We combined these aspects to create a birthday to remember, we even created a Rum drink called “Belle’s Bombers”

I don’t recall what was in it, even though I watched it being made. As I witnessed the cheap, bottom-shelf plastic rum bottle squeeze out a headache inducing elixer, I realized I was not missing out.

We had a cake designer create a 12 layer birthday cake for us, it was the heaviest food I’ve ever lifted.

Haller's Princess Birthday 2010 006cake

In addition to the cake, the designer gave us cupcakes and these amazing Cake Balls (pictured at top). They’re pieces of cake and icing smashed up into meatballs and dipped in chocolate! Incredible!

We played the game Celebrity, listened to excruciatingly bad pop music from Disney artists and ordered the a Big Mama’s Pizza. It’s literally as big as a table!

Notice the slash mark made from the grease! Underneath, it was a crime scene!

Haller's Princess Birthday 2010 023pizza

Chesty had a great time. I could tell this by the fact she held the enormous pitcher of premade rum and coke’s in her hand and sipped it with a straw. After everyone had left!

WE LOVE YOU CHESTY!!!

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  • April 28, 2010 8:32 am

Johnnies 004pizza

THREE MINOR THINGS I HATE:

1.

Wait until you have a writing utencil before you give the go ahead to someone to tell you their phone number.

Here’s my convo with a vendor just last week.

“Are you ready?” – Bun Boy

“Yes, go ahead” – Annoying Man

“310…282…” – BB

“Wait, let me get a pen.” – AM

(INTERNAL SIGH)

“Are you ready now?”

“Yes”

“310….282…”

“Wait….310…?….”

“282….” !!!!!

Johnnies 002salad

2.

I hate it when people are oblivious to their surroundings and how their actions affect others.

I was going for a walk and two people were blocking the sidewalk with their dogs and prospective leashes. I remember the woman reminding me of a cranky Karen Carpenter.

I began to realize they had no intention of moving out of my way. I noticed a large assortment of animal feces in the narrow section of gravel that is my only option for escape.

To show my disdain for their blatant disregard of the importance of keeping my shoe soles poop free, I leap high into the air (exaggerating my every motion) narrowly avoiding the fecal cemetary.

That’ll teach ’em, I thought as I made sure I landed really hard, displacing obnoxious portions of innocent gravel.

They didn’t even see me.

Johnnies 001garlic knots

3.

I hate public restrooms. I have a lot to say on the matter, but let’s just focus on one very insignificant, mildly creepy event I would much rather avoid.

Sharing another persons butt warmth.

As a woman, you deal with this all the time. You do not know the joy that is the urinal, and the ability to experience a public restroom unscathed. You have to touch more stuff.

Sitting down on a warm toilet, knowing another man has just committed unspeakable acts there…well, it gives me the heebies. Like finding a pool of blood left over from a crime scene. Too soon!

JOHNNIES

Good, not amazing pizza. Great garlic knots!

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  • April 23, 2010 7:55 am

Coachella 2010 064danglingsack

Where did I leave off? Oh. The parking lot of Doom.

We thought we were gonna make a quick getaway, hardly anyone was leaving Coachella yet and we were exhausted.

CONES!

Yes, someone put up cones blocking the only lot exit.

Uh…

Panic.

Now, the cones weren’t stuffed with explosives. I don’t know why we didn’t just roll over them.

Oh, there was a parking lot attendant standing behind them.

Expendable!

There were about 10 cars trying to exit. 2 lines of them converging on the sole exit.

Clusterf***

Everyone hung their heads out the windows screaming at the attendant and the cop that had arrived.

As the guy was barraged by verbal boots being thrown at him, he got pissed, told Confucious “The city’s not letting anyone out for two hours!” and got in a golf cart and sped away.

We look and see cars from the other lots driving away seamlessly.

Everyone was going ballistic. People were getting out of their cars, trying to find someone to yell at, getting back in their cars and repeating the futile routine.

Eventually some girl got out and moved the cones and the security guard moved them right back.

Well, finally the cones were moved and we raced out of their, thanking the guard with a bouquet of profanities.

We later heard, they blocked off the lot shortly after, making some folks wait FOUR HOURS before leaving!

We stayed a famous tiki hotel in Palm Springs called the Caliente Tropics. We stayed here last year and, while we did find a blood stain on my pillow, we decided to give this place another try.

Things haven’t really changed since the place opened, as the orange pool chairs can testify.

Coachella 2010 033orange chairs

Elvis, Nancy Sinatra and… Anna Nicole Smith used to hang out here.

Coachella 2010 037hotelCoachella 2010 036tikiCoachella 2010 034anna

For breakfast, I was able to enjoy a delicious turkey sandwich at Sherman’s Deli at the insistance of Thelma and Louise.

As boring as turkey sandwiches are, this one was the tops! “The ulimate most!” – Marcia Brady

Coachella 2010 041turkey

Saturday, we repeated the same system as before. See a few songs of one band, move on to the next.

In the early afternoon, it was quite pleasant. Not too crowded, not too hot.

More important than the music, I noticed a few disturbing trends:

FEATHERS. Worn by almost everyone. Why, I ask.

Coachella 2010 062feathers

Full on BODY SUITS, in the intense desert heat!

Coachella 2010 066blue man

Coachella 2010 092neonbackpack

NEON! The 80’s are back folks. Seriously. This was being worn by a non-nerdy, middle aged man.

We rocked out to about 1005 bands and danced our butts off. We wore ring lights and tried to write words in the air.

HI!

Coachella 2010 078neon hi

That evening we escaped the parking lot unscathed. Thank god.

The next morning, we got bagels. Jalapeno bagels!!

Coachella 2010 087bagel

Day three. We were pretty tired.

And people really began to stink.

Many of the attendees camped on site.

We had a nice bed and shower to utilize.

At any given moment, I was always downwind from someone who had not that luxury.

Either someone’s human stink, someone’s cigarette, or someone’s mary jane.

I read somewhere that 9 drug arrests were made on Friday. Hmm. Out of 75,000. Crack team of enforcement officers, clearly.

We staked out our food options early. Before we knew it, we had every meal for the entire day planned out.

Tacos at Border Grill! (They were just ok)

Coachella 2010 097tacos

We left before seeing the final band on Sunday, tired, hot, sweaty, stinking of smoke, mouths’ covered in Indian food residue (I ate it at least once every day)

We had once again conquered Coachella, somewhat unscathed, never to return again.

Until 2011.

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  • April 20, 2010 8:43 pm

Coachella 2010 046coachellasign

Coachella was about four things this year: Crowds, Neon, Feathers and Naanwiches.

Coachella 2010 027nanwich

This is my fourth year braving the intense Palm Springs (adjacent) heat and enormous sea of smelly humans converging to see an epic collection of bands.

Coachella 2010 051groupshot

The Coachella Music Festival, which has been around since 1998, is probably the most popular festival in the world. I figured this was true judging by the fact that every person on the planet seemed to be there.

Seriously, the crowds were so ridiculously enormous, that it was a joke. The type of joke that causes panic attacks. We basically had to form a train anytime we wanted to manuever through the sperm swimming upstream.

Coachella 2010 015hulahoop

We left LA on Friday morning at around 10 and by the time we finally made it inside the festival, the 2.5 hour trip turned into 6 bloody hours!

While we waited in one of the three unncessary lines, having just been told they had run out of wristbands that were to serve as our tickets, a near riot ensued when someone tried to cut in line.

A man with a green hat began to boldly stroll between the two distinct lines that had formed. One of our party, Confucious, screamed “Hey, get in line buddy!”

Eventually the crowd began to chime in as well! Before you knew it, everyone in earshot was chanting “GREEN HAT!! GREEN HAT!! GREEN HAT!!”

It was quite amusing.

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When we weren’t rushing from band to band at either of the five tents and stages, we were eating. A lot.

CRAB FRIES

CRAB FRIES

FALAFEL WRAP

FALAFEL WRAP

We have a schizophrenic style of doing Coachella.

We see a few songs of one band, than race off to see another. It’s a fun, hectic schedule.

Tenille runs a tight ship and her boyfriend and I follow her lead, obedient soldiers ready to cram as much music in our systems as possible.

After leaving one of the bands, we notice a girl sitting against a small recycling bin in the middle of the main grassy walkway, BLATANTLY PEEING.

People were snapping photos, I was in such shock, I had to be convinced of what she was actually doing.

“No Sander, she’s PEEING”, insisted Tenille.

I saw the stream of urine come right at me, like a 3-D movie. Not a scene likely to be found in Alice in Wonderland or Avatar.

Her facial expression was that of “Yeah, yeah, I know. But I couldn’t hold it, deal with it.” She also managed to roll her eyes as if she couldn’t be more bored.

We ended the crazy night with Jay Z doing his thing. Or thang.

We only caught a few songs before escaping to our hotel but managed to miss Beyonce come out and woo the audience.

Confucious is enamored with Beyonce. Not just her, but her music as well. If you knew him, you would know this makes absolutely no sense.

One time he followed 4 pre teen girls who swore that they saw Beyonce watching a concert from somewhere yonder.

We had a horrific experience out of the parking lot that night. More on that in Part 2. Stay tuned suckas!

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