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  • March 27, 2012 11:26 am

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Double Charburger

The Habit is a chain restaurant that Nancy insists serves her favorite burger in LA. While this burger does kick some butt, I try to refrain from reviewing chains so I’ll just tell a personal story.

When I first moved to LA, I became obsessed with being perceived as wealthy.

Now, this may have stemmed from my desire to always blend in and appear like a local…

…or I’m just shallow and pretentious.

Whenever I travel somewhere, I try to avoid fanny packs and Hawaiian shirts like Billy Bob Bumf*ck on vacation. I do some exhaustive language studies so that I at least seem like a hip, British Ex-Patriot.

I was so paranoid about sticking out like a sore thumb in Egypt, I even took an expensive Arabic language course.

(I now know how to write the word “book”….and that’s about it).

Yeah…I’m sure no one suspected I wasn’t from the Middle East.

While living in Seattle, I had just purchased a brand new Toyota Corolla.

6 months later, while helping Nancy car shop, I impetuously traded it in for a used Mercedes.

I had NO business buying this car, I couldn’t really afford it’s upkeep.

It was like a baby that could only survive on gold infused formula.

In LA, everyone flashes their wealth via cars, clothes, jewelry and designer dogs.

You don’t have to be rich to look rich.

What the average passersby don’t see is that ghetto studio apartment you live in with four other roommates.

Seattle is different. They don’t waste their wealth on stupid sh*t. They buy things like investment properties and high quality outdoor gear and things that actually increase in value.

Fancy cars are something you don’t often see.

Which is why I felt cool driving my Mercedes around, parking it in front of trendy coffee shops.

“Who’s that??” I’d hope they’d be thinking, looks of jealousy beaming from their plastic surgery-free faces.

Until the day I crammed everything I owned in that money pit and moved to LA.

I became one of a thousand, in the land where everyone loves to stick your nose in their diamond-encrusted business.

There’s no such thing as subtlety here…

But at least I felt I was embraced as one of their own, not looked down upon like the lower classes.

I could drive to work without being pulled over by the police for clearly being a transient.

“Sir, ALL signs point to you living in your car”.

My obsession didn’t stop there.

I purchased a Beverly Hills post office box and had all my mail go there.

“Send it to my Beverly Hills address, my 2nd assistant will fetch it upon arrival!”

I haven’t wanted to be rich my entire life, I think something just clicked when I bought that Mercedes. That damned car delivered to me straight from the Devil!

It didn’t stop there.

The city of BH held events at Greystone Mansion, a 55 bedroom house on a 16 acre estate that became a city park in the 80’s.

Only Beverly Hills residents were able to attend and since my BH post office address looked like a street address, I was in!

I felt so fancy taking my friends to classical concerts and plays inside the mansion (which was only open during these special events).

I became a regular at Greystone happenings, started to see all the same socialites.

It was like me speaking Arabic in Egypt. NO one bought that I lived in Beverly Hills. My Mercedes was older than most of the others in the parking lot.

I once attended an afternoon tea at Greystone hosted by the Penninsula hotel.

I must have looked like such white trash in my Target wardrobe sitting and videotaping the whole thing like a tourist while the Mayor of Beverly Hills sat at the table next to me.

After that, the gig was up.

When I received my next Greystone newsletter, someone had hand-written “We’re so glad you were able to enjoy the tea, now could you please provide us with your real home address?”

Mortified.

I have never been to Greystone since.

I got rid of the post office box.

I guess I sort of grew up.

But I ended up trading my Mercedes in for a nicer BMW 7 series. Hey, the love of cars runs in my family, that will never change!

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  • March 25, 2012 4:24 pm

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Guacamole - Tasted like...avocado...and...well, it looks pretty!

A lot of people don’t get the point of upscale Mexican restaurants.

Why should we have to pay $16 for what we could pay $2 for.

(Grade D Beef, people…@TacoBell)

Well, besides the fact that you’re paying for a nice place to sit, you’re paying for some high quality ingredients and a modicum of cleanliness.

One can only speculate the level of depravity going on in Taco Bell’s “kitchen”…

All that aside, I didn’t even order any tacos. So, why are we arguing??

My friend L.H. and I ordered the most incredible sliders I’ve ever consumed.

They passed all three criteria.

1. Can fit in mouth

2. Juicy

3. Saucy

Previously, I had NEVER met a Turkey Burger that I’ve wanted to be friends with.

“Dry and Flavorless” is what it would boast on it’s Match.com profile.

This is honestly the first (mini) turkey burger I’ve ever loved. Congrats, Taberna! Thanks, in advance, for not pissing me off.

And thanks L.H. for lunch, the best one yet!

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  • March 22, 2012 6:36 pm

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Butternut Squash Pizza, fresh mozzarella, caramelized onion, sage, brown butter, farm egg

Milo and Otis (or whatever) is some damn good ‘za.

I’m still thinking about it, like a long lost lover. Smothered in cream sauce.

It’s communal seating which I just love to death (I HATE HUMANS) but they seat you in a fashion where you’re not within breathing distance of scary strangers who could potentially overhear your evil plotting or contaminate your pizza.

The place is tiny and cute. But tiny. But cute.

You decide if the combo is worth a mild wait and covering your pizza with your greasy hands so weirdos aren’t salivating on it because they’re green with envy. An archaic expression which, perhaps, should be retired.

A bonus: the crust remained amazing even the next day. Even microwaved!

GASP!

A few serious pizza notes:

Pizzas only come personal size but very large. Two portions for sure. A little bit on the pricey side. Crust was very thin in the center, not very crispy but very thick and crispy on the edges. The toppings could have come further towards the edge but still all very delicious and I’m not complaining.

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  • March 21, 2012 6:59 pm

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A delicous way to deal with leftovers. Leftovers that took you FAR too long to make in the first place. So, you’d damn well better believe I’m going to attempt something equally delicious because my time is precious, people!

FLYING LESSON!

Last weekend, I decided to check something off the ‘ole bucket list and go fly a plane. Not at all similar to driving a car. Texting while flying is not advised. But taking cell phone pics is!

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A Cessna or whatever. I'll call it whatever it wants if it doesn't chop my hands and eyes off!

I had arrived at Valium Online Overnight on a beautiful Saturday morning, located at Van Nuys Aiport, the busiest general aviation airport in the world!

Now, the main reason I decided to do this now was there was a half off deal, normally this two hour session is almost $400 bucks!

This did have me nervous I would be getting less than ideal attention and they’d just wrangle me with some newbie kid pilot with a thriving pot-selling, side business.

After doing much online research, I came to the conclusion that ALL of these private flight schools are kind of ghetto and I was just going to accept that I’d be flying an antique.

Luckily, my flight instructor was an older guy with 6000 hours of flight experience who used to fly in the army. Phew! My chances of survival just increased 50%!

He sat me in this tiny “classroom” while he held up a tiny toy airplane and gave me a aeronautic vocabulary lesson.

I tried desperately to remember everything he said in case he suddenly became deceased whilst in flight and I was left to land the thing. Sorry, I mean plane or whatever.

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!” Is what I would say if this were an action movie and I were Clint Eastwood.

I, sadly, recall NONE of his instruction except something about a fuselage, a term I mostly hear during news reports of plane crashes.

Now, even though my pilot had experience, it was his first day on the job. I overheard the receptionist telling him what to do. “First you give him 20 minutes classroom, then 20 minutes flight simulator..”

My anxiety levels soared as I wondered if she had remembered to tell him “It’s your job to fill up the gas tank, we don’t do that for you like at those fancy schools!” Such attitude, that receptionist.

I sat in a fake cockpit surrounded by 6 enormous flatscreens and began my simulator training. It was like a video game with really bad graphics.

And all of my controls were shown on a monitor who’s light panels had mostly died. It was like deciphering the Shroud of Turin.

“Oh sh*t”, he said as he looked over to see why I couldn’t answer his question of what my altitude was.

“Well…your system seems to be dying…” I responded calmly.

I was flying blind. Taking off and landing without knowing any of the stuff I should be knowing.

But I got the hang of how the steering and foot pedals worked and that was the important thing. I figured he’d be up there with me, he do the rest.

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Flying over Malibu

We walked outside to the smallest plane I’d ever seen. It was like flying a kayak. And it was not a new plane…

I followed him as he did his inspection, looking for lose bolts and frayed wires that would result in us hurling to our deaths.

I was satisfied so we entered the plane and he started the engines, the deadly propeller only feet in front of me.

I felt relatively safe but maybe .5% of me wondered if that propeller was still going to find a way to chop my head off, or at least a finger.

Wearing our professional head gear (“Sorry, can you get another picture? For Facebook?”) we navigated through the queue of other pilots and eventually took off.

Him doing most of the work.

I was FINE with that. My fear of heights began to get the best of me and was relieved when he said “I can fly this the entire time, it happens a lot”.

When we got safely over the hills, he let me fly the rest of the way to Malibu. Whenever he touched the wheel, I could feel it on mine so I knew he wasn’t helping me.

But it was nervewracking. You can’t take your hands off the wheel at all.

And when you’re NOT flying, grabbing the wheel (I know, people, it’s not called a wheel) causing the plane to pitch into a nose dive is frowned upon.

I had to grab the flimsy dashboard for dear life during the frequent periods of turbulence.

Flying over the ocean was incredible, the whole experience was exhilirating.

He even said I was a natural. That only about 20 out of the 600 students he’s had in his life get it on the first try. He said most people would need about 15 hours training to get to my level. I chose to believe him.

After we headed back and landed safely, he gave me his business card. He sells prepaid legal fees on the side. I was thankful he didn’t give me this beforehand.

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  • March 19, 2012 8:59 pm

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Fat Delta Asparagus, sheep's milk ricotta, pounded hazelnuts & lemon zest

Cooks County is a solid attempt.

Like my single childhood third place trophy representing my five years in Karate when my 10 year old sister was kicking butt and getting 1st place ones left and right!

A few odd dishes exist which boast the chef’s creativity, we had the waitress give us a vocabulary lesson. “What the hell is a cardoon??”

Yet, Cooks County falls into a typical trap.

What stands out about this place?

It looks all right, the food is ok and the service is great.

Nothing for Bun Boy to talk about, which really pisses him off, as we all know.

The menu is just too random and nothing really leaps off the page, slaps you in the face and says “Order me, b*tch!

Sure, I ate lamb’s tongue for the first time.

I kissed a lamb and I liked it.

The spelt pretzel was ok.

The garbanzo and squash pancake was good. But kind of didn’t belong here. “Oh crap, we need to appease those damned vegetarians!”

The desserts actually looked awesome, but we didn’t feel up to any of them.

The restaurant housed at this location just last year was a solid attempt too. As was the one before….

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  • March 19, 2012 8:25 am

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Fried Olives, italian sausage, aioli

Rule #1 when visiting a restaurant.

Go there somewhat hungry.

Don’t gorge yourself on TWO sandwiches just hours before simply because they were each half price and your coupon ends today and why not get two cuz you’re a little piggy.

“Show me how the little piggys eat!”

Mercato is fine. Just fine.

The kale crostini was the standout. Really great flavors.

Everything else was…fine.

Tuna tartare was great except for the gallon of salt someone used.

Perhaps an army of slugs had just attacked the kitchen staff and our meal was in the crossfires?

The burrata with roasted grapes was tasty but there was nothing to bind the dish together.

There was some burrata.

And there was some grapes.

And they just happened to be hanging out at the same playground together.

“Don’t look at us” they say “We don’t really know each other that well”

The discontinued speaking because my acid trip wore off.

The BBQ Quail was disappointing. For $16 bucks, I’d love to have more than one bite of meat per person. That was, once we found the meat on our little roasted sparrow.

Our server was awesome, I hope he isn’t pissed at the review.

“Dude, it’s not my restaurant and no one knows who the eff you are, anyways.”

Wow, that’s harsh. Way harsh, Ty.

Oh, one more thing before you go. The only available reservation was at 6:00 pm.

Fine, we’ll play old for the night.

So, they lead us to the tiny corner seats and apparently two other couples had also been banished to the 6:00 punishment corner as well.

While sitting in Time Out, we notice that very few folks seem to arrive to dine at Mercato for a good hour and a half.

Why on earth are they cramming us next to strangers when there are a half dozen empty seats right next to us where we would happily sit and not be privy to awkard first dates or riveting conversations about allergies.

We all confided in each other about the 6:00 reservation time thing. “Yeah, I thought that was weird!” one gal said.

In the end, we had all arrived strangers and departed…still strangers (having no desire to speak to one another again) but having bonded over our mutual love of complaining about stuff.

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  • March 15, 2012 7:29 pm

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Maize Cake Mediterranean - lamb meatballs, spiced yogurt, capers, kalamata olives, feta

Playa is from the folks behind my very favorite restaurant downtown, Rivera.

So, it had high expectations to meet.

Phew! It made all of them.

“Oh sh*t, another boring review!” you say?

Yes. So sit down and shut up, you son of a…

Playa is one of those establishments that is just as much lounge as it is restaurant. Everyone knows it’s the booze that makes or breaks a restaurant (when else do you gladly pay 100% markup??)

Maybe the airport…and that ain’t gladly…

It was a Wednesday night though, and I don’t normally imbibe on a school night, so Playa thankfully didn’t rob me blind.

Only my friend Clyde decided to imbibe. (I put that rhyme in there for him!)

Most of the plates here are tapas style (where in LA is that NOT the case anymore??) so there we see another sneaky way for Playa to make some greenbacks.

Charging $9 for a few dwarf roasted red peppers stuffed with the amount of cheese a mouse might be hiding in his cheeks is muy intelligente.

I have no problems with tiny portions. Just shove some incredible flavors en mi boca….

….Which they did!

Double Phew!

I said earlier this was going to be a positive review, ya’ll!

The tamale with reduced mushrooms and filet minion was the star of the show, fo sho. When do mushrooms and beef not marry well?? Vegetarians, shut it.

The maize cakes were fun and gorgeously presented.

The Cauliflower cake reminded me of a surreal, Lord of the Rings meal.

While, I may not have loved them to death, I was grateful for some new, unique flavors and some great camera fodder!

Ok, I’m tired now. I’m cutting this review short. Can’t keep my ojos open.

P.S., I’m assuming everyone loves the spanglish I’ve been throwing in. If not, feel free to callate.

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  • March 13, 2012 11:08 pm

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Not exaggerating, this "drumstick" was the size of my very small thumb.

Darabar Thai.

Their motto is “Secret Thai Cuisine”.

The secret is that the chicken wings were really deep fried baby humingbirds, the pork meatballs tasted like they had been spat from the mouth of our waitress, having been sucked of all their flavor.

Oh, and there’s blood in the soup.

Those “chicken” wings really were the worst, meatless, deep-fried road kill and I’ve given this place Two Buns as a result. They were laughable. I actually laughed. Like a clown.

That being said, the green curry was really spicy and had fantastic flavor. The chicken was white meat, not dark, gristly and full of mystery.

The Boat Noodles (AKA: Blood Noodles) had a pleasant flavor and noticeable amount of salt.

Because they were made with blood.

Now, I knew that going in. Boat Noodles have started to come up in the LA Thai world and I’ve done my research.

Boat noodles are also known for being made with tripe, liver and other extra, nasty kibbles and bits.

Darabar’s version thankfully did not include any awful offal.

Now, for dessert.

What is Black Grass Jelly, you ask?

Give me a second to find out, be right back…

…Ok, so this stuff is basically jello made from the boiled leaves of a mint like plant.

Because it was black, I feared and would have not been surprised if it had been made from blood.

It was weird, slightly bitter and reminded me that dumping sugar on something does not make it dessert.

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I grew up in a town with a large Filipino population.

I recall fond memories of my mother and I trekking down to the local farmers market and getting lumpia and pancit, eating it for breakfast while we sat and enjoyed the views of the bay.

I spent a lot of time with my Filipino friend’s family and learned my share of Tagalog.

The first phrase I learned (and repeated constantly to annoy my friend’s mother) was “Do Not Overfill the Box”. A very useful admonishment in daily life.

When I got my first job in LA, I worked with a lot of Filipinos and because I knew so much Tagalog, I was embraced as one of their own.

That being said, I don’t really like a lot of Filipino food. It utilizes a lot of… “extra” meat.

Oxtail, Tripe…blood.

Whatever happened to good, ole fashioned breast meat??

I know, I’ve lost all my street cred now. I’m not Bunthony Bourdain folks. I prefer my food good and dead.

But I love me some Adobo, Pancit and Lumpia, so I decided to try my hand at some crock pot cookin’, Pinoy style!

There wasn’t really any heat to the recipes I found online for Adobo or Pancit. It took every bit of restraint to not dump some chili paste in there!

I also got lazy so I combined the two recipes and made my own Chicken Adobo Pancit. It turned out all right although it’s appearance is less than desirable.

Pagod na ako.

Paalam!

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Kal Bi Burger - Beef patty, cheese, short ribs, crunch onion, pineapple, kabayaki, seven spiced ranch.

There are a lot of burgers in LA and it’s my flame-broiled goal in life to eat them all!

After having consumed the burg at Miru 8691, I can honestly say I’ve found something better than the ubiquitous Umami Burger.

After the Father’s Office and Fuku Burger, this is my third favorite artery-clogging heart stopper.

It looks enormous, but once you put the top bun on and press down, it becomes quite manageable. No unhinging of the jaw necessary.

The burger combined with the short ribs sounds excessive but they made a lovely pair. Like bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.

The tempura jalapeno was also fun and tasty! Like raindrops on roses.

Not sure why I’m quoting “Sound of Music”, I’ve never seen the damn movie. Yes, I know, calm down. I haven’t seen Gone with the Wind either, that doesn’t mean I’m not human.

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