I guess if you squint, it looks like a spider? Or a twig loving deer's turd

Not everything I attempt ends up as pure culinary genius.

Sometimes things just look like shit.

Take, for instance, everything I attempted to make with my friend Taco Belly last week.

Nothing worked out right.

It could have been the half dozen lychee eyeball cocktails consumed (also ghetto looking) whilst shoving cheese-stuffed hot dogs inside of improperly thawed phyllo dough.

Making eyeballs is easy! Just cram some blueberries inside of canned lychees and freeze!

This blueberry vodka cocktail was delicious! Even though most of the eyeballs wouldn't behave and turn my way!

BTW, is there anything more high maintenance than freaking phyllo dough?? You really need to be buttered on every layer, mister? I don’t have time for you. Go away.

Phyllo: Cash in the Trash! Like a black and white segment of an informercial of what you're doing WRONG.

Who knew it had to be kept moist with a wet paper towel? Who can be bothered? I canna be bothered (said like a Scottish person).

What happens when a ghostly force throws your ketchup bottle across the room. Decimating poor Taco Belly.

I had such high hopes for these little suckers.

Phyllo sucks, people. These just look obscene.

Dots of ketchup smeared on fast crumbling phyllo helps create authentic looking mummy ghettoness.

Then came the ghoulish seven layer dip. My sour cream web design sort of worked. Til I forgot to add the tomatoes and cheese.

The only thing making it appear remotely Halloween were the paper bats I bought at the 99 Cent Store.

Ralph's sold those festive-colored chips. Wasn't my doing.

The one thing that tasted really good but still looked trashy were the chocolate spiders. They don’t look like spiders. Most spiders I know don’t have red eyes. Actually, strike that. The evil ones do.

Taco Belly and I sure had a blast making all these embarrasing holiday creations. So, please don’t judge too harshly on the ghastly results.

Thank god I bought extra for my several desperate attempts...

Helpful hint: DON'T add marshmellows, it will turn to fudge. If you have any experience in the kitchen, apparently you already know this. I'm a moron, I guess.

Quick! Find some Halloween looking crap to throw in the background! A creamsicle scented candle and an old New Orleans souvenier, check!