A real fast food burger doesn’t come out looking all pretty.

It’s often a little beaten up, looking worse for the wear.

Like it just got in a fight. Like it just walked into a sports bar in Boston, changed the channel from the Red Sox to the Real Housewives and asked for an Appletini.

Then paid the price.

Five guys is the East Coast’s answer to In and Out.

Everything is very white and clean (except for the peanut shells on the ground).

Burgers all come with two patties. They’re called “Little Burgers” if you’re a wuss and only want one measly patty.

(Which I was. Hey, I’m on Weight Watchers still).

Everything was freshly made. Which is why it took forever.

Clearly, it was everyone’s first day on the job and they were working in an anti gravity environment.

You can choose from a dozen normal toppings (nothing weird like cranberries or kimchi) so I chose Jalapenos.

There are free peanuts to devour while you wait the three hours for your burger.

All in all, it’s a solid burger but In and Out is still the King.

IN OTHER NEWS:

About a month ago, I saw that the Cleopatra exhibit was coming to Los Angeles and wet my pants, just a bit.

As a big Egyptophile, and someone who also volunteered at LACMA when King Tut came to town, I immediately called the California Science Center and signed up!

Nerd Alert!

I’m not sure what I thought I’d be doing but clearly my expectations were not very realistic.

I imagined I’d be hob nobbing with famous archaeologists, dusting off priceless antiquities or at least leading groups through the exhibits, allowing them to bask in my immense knowledge.

Um…incorrect.

After spending an entire day learning all things Cleopatra alongside a bunch of 19 year old kids who actually work at the Center (“who is this old guy??” they must have been thinking), I get assigned a task more cursed than those who first entered Tut’s tomb…

…To roam silently through the dark galleries for hours on end making sure no one uses their flash when they take a picture.

This is what I have spent EVERY Saturday afternoon doing.

For someone with severe attention span issues, this is a problem.

For you see, every guest gets a complimentary audio tour with purchase of a ticket. None of these idiots are asking me any questions!

Not even where the bathroom is!!

“Fine! Pee in a corner then, b*tches!”

The only people that can’t seem to figure out how to turn off their flash are the old folks and I get the dirtiest looks for admonishing them after an errant flash.

One time, this guy took a flash picture of two enormous statues and the alarm went off!

Yay! Something to do!

Instantly, I sprang into action.

I meant to whisper quietly to the guy “No flash, please”

Instead, I panicked and I yelled to absolutely everyone in the gallery “NO FLASH, PEOPLE!”

Like I was a bouncer at a nightclub telling all the ugly people to go home.

I totally meant “people” to be “please”.

I felt like SUCH a DOUCHE afterwards, I skulked to the other part of the gallery and continued to languish in my tortured ennui.

After making the rounds about 100 times through these blasted galleries, I began to play memorization games with myself.

After learning every damn thing there was, I had to bump up the skill level of the games.

I began to play mind games with the guests.

I soon realized that if you see a few people reading some boring info on the wall (which they’re only reading cuz they paid $25 and want to get their money’s worth) and you interrupt them by walking in between them and what they’re reading….

….they’ll totally stop reading and walk away.

Ruining people’s Cleopatra experience? My pleasure!

I also liked to stand near people and quietly cough and see them squirm away, pretending they were done looking at the artifact anyways.

At the end of the gallery there’s this piece of papyrus signed by Cleopatra.

Except you can’t see it cuz the light’s burned out.

People will, therefore, break the rule and take a flash picture just to get a look at it.

I love watching folks sneakily get their camera ready as I pretend to walk away.

Then, I’ll rush back and catch them and utter my infamous “NO FLASH PLEASE”.

The worst thing about the Cleopatra exhibit?….

….There isn’t really much related to actual Cleopatra!!

Besides the papyrus and a few tiny coins, everything else is a big tease!

So you too don’t suffer the same fate and leave this blog post empty handed, here are some lesser known Cleopatra facts:

1. The Cleopatra we know is actually Cleopatra VII, there were six others before her.

2. She was Greek, not Egyptian.

3. She married her own brother as well as her 3 year old son! According to Egyptian tradition, Incest is best!

4. She and Mark Antony used to have contests to see who could outspend one another.

5. She was the very last Pharoah of Egypt, man or woman.

6. She most likely wasn’t as attractive as people say she was. She’s pictured on coins of the day as looking like a witch!