Like many folks, I spent much of my youth consuming hot dogs.
What else do you eat at picnics, bbq’s, parks, under the covers or hiding in that last stall in a public restroom, sobbing uncontrollably?
In my late teens, I once experienced a terrible NIGHTMARE. While I was awake.
I’ll walk you through it.
A late afternoon at the County Fair.
Almost closing time.
The hot dog vendor is offering two hot dogs for $1.
I eat them.
Then, my stomach begins to growl like I had just pissed him off.
Then the stomach gossiped to my colon about what an a*sshole I was and the two started conspiring against me.
I was with two friends and we got in the car to leave.
Trouble was, there was a HUGE traffic jam upon exit.
I started to panic. I was in agony and the gurgling would not subside.
Any passing of gas would result in the full evacuation of my bowels in backseat.
This was not an option….yet.
I don’t recall how much time had passed before I wanted to die and I had to ignore my humanity and do something unforgivably animal-like.
Then the choice was made for me.
I crapped in a church parking lot. Right next to a sea of non-moving cars.
Only a few sparse bushes lay between my humiliating defecation and an eager audience.
Not often in life does one experience such beautiful relief and such scarring abasement, simultaneously.
Especially not while desecrating holy grounds!
The conditions back in the vehicle upon my re-entrance were…unpleasant to say the least. All four windows were rolled down at lightening speed.
Needless to say, I didn’t really eat hot dogs after this event.
Maybe 15 years later, I started dipping my toe in the hot dog water again.
I only eat quality dogs now, NEVER anything on sale! I try to do all beef. I guess those ones contain less hoof and snout? God only knows.
Coney Dog, a new Detroit-worshipping spot on Sunset, was all out of the all beef ones.
So, I chose the regular Coney Dog.
The chili was really great but I think I would have preferred the all beef one. I like a thicker dog, less entrails and pig’s blood.
A hot dog is basically a sacrifice to satan, wrapped up in a neat shape.
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