I recently realized I’m shallow, superficial, self-important and pathetic.

Let me start from the beginning.

Throughout my teen years I had dreamt of being a movie star. I guess I just assumed I’d become one eventually.

I sat in on a talent agent speaking at our local library and was invited to come to an improv class in the big city (Seattle).

I managed to make my way there (getting lost several times), did the class and the next day received a call from the agent.

“We’d like to represent you” she said.

It was one of the best days of my life. I was on my way.

Sadly, I lived too far from Seattle to make most of my auditions (Nintendo and Pop Tarts, specifically)

It was heartbreaking.

Eventually I landed a featured role (extra) on a really bad mini series starring the guy from MacGuyver.

It was to be a two week shoot all around Seattle, the bulk of which at Boeing Field (the plot: a commerical airplane in some sort of trouble, or whatever).

I don’t recall the details, but I had no means of transportation and was juggling work and school. I wasn’t able to accept the job.

It was one of the worst days of my life. The dream was crushed.

Somehow, a guardian angel (my best friend’s father) agreed to drive me the hour plus (each way) to my shoot each day.

(Mysteriously, I was also able to get out of school and work.)

My call time was often 7 a.m. and I usually wasn’t finished filming until 1-2 a.m.

He was my driver every day (except Sunday) for two weeks.

Even though I was just a Featured Extra (I’m capitalizing that shit!), I felt special. I felt like a real somebody.

MacGuyver told me to sit down and shut up! On camera!

Well, little did I know my 15 minutes ended up being those 2 weeks.

I was an extra on a few other films before things teetered out. There was not much work to be had in Seattle and I was too busy to really focus on trying to make it.

Even when I moved to LA, I think I took one acting class, assumed I sucked and gave up the dream for good.

The problem is, I’ve never felt I was meant for a normal life. I was never meant for the 9-5.

I was meant for something big.

But here I am. With this life.

I try my best to fill my days with exotic travel, great restauraunts, good friends to explore LA with.

But nothing has really filled the movie star hole.

I was meant to be famous dammit!

What the hell happened?

Recently, I’ve been able to attend a lot of movie premieres thanks to a very dear friend.

Now, it’s not like I’m walking the red carpet or getting my picture taken, but when I’m at these events standing in the same line as Jennifer Aniston getting a drink, those feelings start to resurface.

Now, I’m not even a starf*cker, I don’t hold actors up on a pedestal or anything. Maybe it’s just simple jealousy?

Maybe I’m pretending to live the life I thought I was meant to live, if only for one night?

Of all the emotions one experiences in life, feeling special tends to be such a rarity.

We wake up, go to our job, enjoy our social life (however limited) and maybe a few cool things happen throughout the year.

But how often do we actually feel like we’re somebody?

For some really strange reason, out of all the cool things I’m fortunate to be able to experience, only going to movie premieres seem to evoke that kind of excitement in my life.

It’s so ridiculous.

Am I living the wrong life?

Did my laziness and lack of focus cost me my dreams?

Or do I just generally dislike people so much that the thought of having to spend my life in the public eye and having to kiss everyone’s ass in order to get my next job seemed too inane and exhausting?

I guess I’ll never know until my Bun Boy reality show comes out!