I’m gonna be honest with you. The idea of bashing Oprah makes me nervous.

Five minutes after pressing “Submit” on my blog, I suspect a mysterious black sedan will permanently park its happy ass right outside my apartment building.

It might even be illegal to critique Oprah. Like threatening the president.

I should probably check the US Constitution for any recent changes.

So, as much as I realize Oprah’s done some great things with her ENORMOUS power, I can’t help but try my darndest to KEEP DOWN THE VOMIT as I suffer through her farewell episodes.

Not even Jesus Christ would have received such a reception!

And seeing the insane look in the audience’s eyes, those adoring, obsessed, tear-choked eyes, I realize that Oprah IS A RELIGION.

Watching these shows remind me of those TV Evangelists I’d accidentally flip through when I was home nursing a cold.

Why are people so obssessed with Oprah?

Did Oprah really change all these people’s lives?

Or did she just book some really good guests?

I guess the thing that’s bothering me now, is why are we behaving as if Oprah has only one week to live!

Or that she decided to permanantly move to her new penthouse on the Space Station??

The gratuitous fanfare, filled with “surprise” celebrity guests coming to say goodbye (like she doesn’t have all their damn cell numbers on speed dial) is just too much to bare.

And can anyone really surprise God, I mean Oprah?

The best part of it all is that Oprah is EATING it all up. I would be MORTIFIED by such praise, I would be shrinking in my seat.

But can you imagine the wrath Big Mama O would have brought down if her people didn’t do something pretty darn big for her going away???

She would have yelled out in her siren like voice “WHERE’S MY SURPRISE, PEOPLE??!!”

Her thunderous voice would have brought down nearby buildings, many of which she owns.

Oprah is simply changing television stations, people!!

Calm down and sink back in your nasty old couches!

I don’t think I can finish watching her farewell shows without a bigger bucket….

CHURCH AND STATE:

Really hip French restaurant in an eerie, abandoned, warehouse heavy part of downtown.

Great food, even better wine, kind of noisy and packed!