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Believe it or not, I’ve never been to any of LA’s famous food trucks.

And I’m ashamed.

So, to rectify the situation, I began online stalking the mother of all trucks; the Grilled Cheese Truck.

I found out they were going to be at the Chinese New Year festival downtown, so my friend and I took the subway to help make my dream come true.

It was better than the Make a Wish Foundation!

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When we arrived in Chinatown, I began to sweat and twitch like a crack addict without his fix, desperately searching for this elusive magic truck.

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“Sander, you need to calm down” my slow, meandering friend was saying. I wasn’t really paying attention because I was too busy tossing elderly Chinese ladys into the streets to clear a path.

I felt panicked. Yet invincible.

We finally found a mecca of food trucks, it was paradise. Heaven.

Here’s what I discovered.

Everyone working in the Grilled Cheese Truck is stoned.

They couldn’t be moving slower. We were all wiping the drool from our mouths as we watched the animatronic dudes slowly count back change and cutting sammies in half.

There was one bench for about 50 people. As soon as some idiot got up to stretch, I snatched her seat.

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We noticed two college girls (with two sandwiches EACH in front of them) starting to dig in.

One of them let out a loud belch, feeling zero shame. “I can’t wait to eat the other one tonight when I’m wasted!” she told her friend.

Our sandwiches were well worth the wait.

Mac and Cheese and short ribs INSIDE the bread. And then fried within an inch of it’s life.

What could be better? What more could anyone want in life, besides possibly world peace?

We then found the Mac and Cheese food truck.

You pick your mac and cheese and they even put it in an egg roll rapper and fry it for you!!!

It, however, was disgusting. It looked like a greasy condom someone had thrown up in.

The second I picked it up, it completely fell apart.

I almost cried.

This is just a travesty! This is an egg roll??

This is just a travesty! This is an egg roll??