I’ve been wanting to go here for ten years but can never convince (drag) anyone with me.

This year was different.

I picked up Billy Goat Gruff and his girlfriend Silk Stockings and we headed to Union Station to take the train to Pomona, California.

Yes, the train to Pomona. Romance and intrigue was clearly in the air…

Well, we after having to park acres away, we ran Home Alone style only to find out from a clearly irritated Billy that tickets were $16 each and why weren’t you guys picking up your phone??

Screw it.

We’ll just drive there.

Aw, the LA County Fair.

It’s just how you might picture it.

Fried Foods, Fat People, Cigarettes ashing on stained Bud Light T-shirts stretched over protruding bellies.

Let’s be like them!

So, we did.

Here’s what we devoured, each having bites of each others deep fried bits of wonderment:

I suddenly felt queasy….It was about 100 degrees and 100% humidity….

I soon realized I was sweating out grease!

My thirst for OFF had been quenched (Odd Fried Foods)

You’d be proud of me if you only knew the deep fried items I avoided.

We went to the petting zoo, something that all adults sans children do and enjoy.

After being gang banged by hoards of hungry goats (what the HELL is in those green pellets, 100% pure Columbian flake??) we soon grew tired of the ammonia smell and went to see the pig races!

But not before getting one of these.

Copious amounts of sugar were now keeping the lake of grease company in my stomach.

Pigs racing is cute. I’ll give you that.

But the dichotomy of Captain and Tennille’s excitement coupled with the sheer boredom of the crowds in the bandstands was palpable.

Captain kept mentioning how the pigs were so cute that she “want to bite their faces off!! I want to put their snouts in my mouth!!”

As both gals squealed with joy as the little piggies raced around the track, I noticed the entire crowd behind us (we got there too late to get seats) looking at the two as if they were completely out of their mind.

After the pig races, we were all handed this. Wrong, just wrong.

Then we were surprised by another round of animal cruelty.

Duck Races!!

I have to admit. This was pretty damn adorable.

We wandered around the fair, looking at Enormous Pumpkins.

We saw ginormous floral crap.

We witnessed dinosaurs roaming the earth.

Getting lectures about bees. Look how enthralled we are.

After Captain and Tennille had their fill and left, BGG and SS and I walked to the elephant section and watched patrons pay $7 to walk around in a tiny circle on a pissed off elephant.

Silk Stockings is a trapeze artist and she was going to join her group today for a Tissue presentation.

Or whatever it’s called. She was really good!!

There was a creepy older guy with magenta hair who went after her who….was not.

Dare I say, this is not a men’s sport.

I was so embarrassed watching his “butterfly out of the cocoon” spectacle that I didn’t even want to take any pictures to eviscerate him on my blog.

For some crazy reason, I began to crave more fried food.

Then we watched some girl climb an 80 foot pole and do tricks from the top. It made me dizzy.

Time to go before my stomach opens up like a broken levee.