I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.

By bit, I mean, every headache is a tumor.

Every stomach cramp is a bleeding ulcer.

I get it from my mother, the nurse.

Nurse Beelzebub!

After rattling off some symptoms I had called her in a panic about, she casually stated, “Well, that’s a sign of MS.”

MS???!!

Daily, she instills in me the fact that “Oh, and yes, that headache IS a tumor”

She’s always been convinced there is a tumor festering inside of her own brain.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that a verbal confirmation that a swollen lymph node is a symptom of HIV would not be my most comforting phone call of the day.

Let’s just say, the ER staff at Cedars- Sinai remembered me the last time I was in.

The reason behind one of my several fun visits was a heart attack turned heart burn.

Damn.

It wasn’t even acid reflux!

The incident occurred shortly after finishing a cup of a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. That coffee is very acidic! Deadly, even.

I also fear the day my veneers will fall out.

Every morning I check them to make sure they’re still there and not affixed to my pillow in a small pool of dried blood.

I won’t bite into an apple or chew into a hunk of bread.

I sometimes check them for no reason except that there happens to be a toothpaste commercial on.

They’re my worst enemy.

Captain tells me getting veneers was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

“You’re obsessed!!” she rants.

Before I was roped into getting the pricey chiclets, my dentist said in her thick Persian accent: “You have the teeth of a 65-70 year old! If you don’t get veneers, your teeth will break and you’ll have to get caps and they’ll look hideous!”

‘Nuff said. Here’s my credit card, lady.

We were told the burger at The Oaks Grocery store was one of the top ten in LA. It’s an upscale deli that also serves some gourmet hot foods, including this undercooked beauty. It was pretty tasty but the ice cream sandwich pictured at the top is the best reason to go. Wow, I should have just injected a pound of sugar directly in my veins.

We also opened up some beers we purchase while sitting at one of their tables watching the World Cup and were promptly scolded angrily “You can drink that in here. It’s against the law!!”