People go batty when you’re giving out free shit.

Whatever it is, from free lotion samples to a new ice cream flavor, people react to freebies in a manner which leads you to believe that free Gillette razors actually contain cancer killing enzymes!

I assisted Thelma and Louise last night at a Sex and the City promotional event at the Century City Mall.

Their friends own a winery in Paso Robles and one of the jewelry stores in the mall wanted to offer tastings of her wine to entice customers to their store during the event.

What the wine ended up enticing were groups of manic, crazed, wealthy, middle aged women on a mission.

Apparently, those attending the function (which included free cocktails, facials, a DJ) had to go to ten stores, getting a paper stamped at each one, and returning for a gift bag full of crap.

So, not only did these women completely ignore all the jewelry in the store, but they didn’t have time for a sip of wine either!

They needed to get these stamps.

They needed to get them fast.

They needed whatever the hell was in that gift bag.

Perhaps a free pink Chihuahua and a syringe filled with organic botox?

Eventually many of the women came back to try our wine. Like they were doing us a favor.

One woman and her two daughters came to ravage the cheese/cracker platter.

Her daughter picked up an enormous bunch of grapes (of which there were only 2)

“Oops” she mumbled, pretending to feel bad that now she had tainted all 70 grapes dangling from the stem and may as well abscond with them.

Her mother, who had zero interest in the wine, took large handfuls of the shaved parmesan cheese and asked if we had any napkins to put them in.

I made the joke that I could give her some tupperwear if she’d like.

The family actually came back and the daughter grabbed another more modest sized bunch of grapes, completely devastating our grape supply.

Much like a swarm of locusts would.

I tasted some of the wine myself, it was actually quite nice.

One weird tiny-nosed woman who just would not leave, kept saying how awful one of the red wines were.

But the b*tch wouldn’t leave and kept wanting to sample it!

“Yeah, that’s the bad one. Yup, it’s that one”

She kept pointing it out to everyone that came in.

Go away plastic surgery victim!!

Then she and another woman got in an argument about their opinions on the Sex and the City movie, both in thick New York accents.

“It was crude, I didn’t find it even remotely funny”

“It’s Sex and the City, what do you expect?! I found it very funny.”

Some lady gave me a free ticket for the flick in question so I left my friends with the mess and saw the movie.

I was the ONLY male in there. And the soberest as well.

I think if I had suddenly gone def, I would have enjoyed the movie just as much as I did listening to the horrific dialogue.

CASA LINDA:

A cute, casual new Mexican joint on Abbot Kinney. Incredible Tacos Pastor!

1357 Abbot Kinney Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90291
Neighborhood: Venice
(310) 664-1177