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BUN BOY EATS LA - Archives for 2010 June

Santa Fe – Hippies, Mud Baths and Monkey Brains – Day 4 & 5

  • June 28, 2010 8:18 pm

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 167georgia 3

The next day I decide to bump up the exercise a notch.

After all, I’m eating red chili popcorn and hot chili pistachio brittle at a maddening pace!

I go for a run around the neighborhood (getting lost at EVERY turn), then come back in time for our yoga and then we head out to the compound of Ghost Ranch (Georgia O’Keefe’s pad), which is now a museum, learning center, and HIPPY OASIS.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 141 georgia 1

On our way to the ranch, we stop at the most random country store selling the largest array of spicy chips you ever did see.

I buy some red chili enchiladas that they kept in this barely warm heating case and we order some FRITO PIE.

I am 99% positive diahrea is around the corner.

We enjoy our meals inside the store, next to the town sheriff.

God, small towns scare me.

At the ranch, we do one of the most beautiful hikes I’ve ever done, wandering around the landscape that inspired Georgia as she fled to the isolation because she “found people difficult.”

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 148 georgia flower

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 150georgia trees

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 159georgia color landscape

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 160georgia 2

We hike up to Chimney Rock, or Penis Rock, as the locals call it. (a complete lie)

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 171georgia black white

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 173georgia black and white landscape

We head to the gift shop to buy refreshments while the elderly cashier learns how to use the computer, and we must endure the most intense fart smell on record.

When we begin to head to our car, we encounter utter chaos!

To our left, under the tree, is a drum circle. To our right is a gaggle of girls sitting on the ground, laughing hysterically, most likely enjoying magic mushroom tea.

Then some old guy is playing guitar to no one in particular, next to a tree.

As I shut the car door on all the madness, I can still hear the girls screaming laughter.

Georgia would have been so proud. “Damn tree huggers all up in my business! I told you I don’t like people!” (direct quote)

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 148 georgia flower

Are you sensing Deja Vu yet? 🙂

At around 4 in the afternoon, we drove to the beautiful OJO CALIENTE, an upscale hot springs resort.

We paid our $16 entrance fee and relaxed in several of the 7 luxurious mineral hot springs and even took a mud bath.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 180mud bowl

Not the stereotypical lay in a vat of thick mud and get a yeast infection, rather you go to a pot of muddy water, rub it all over you and lay out in the sun to let it cake on.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 188mud face

Afterwards we hung out in several of the pools, including the Soda Pools, which aid in digestion and the Arsenic Pool (yes, it actually contains the poisonous substance) which is good for gross skin ailments and immediate death.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 189arsenic

I relaxed on a hammock (or Ham Hock as my friend incorrectly refers to it) for the rest of the afternoon.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 191feet up

This is my view. Hideous.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 192clouds

The next morning, we do our routine yoga session, (god that woman on the DVD is becoming quite irritating – “I want you to do what’s good for you”

I’ll show you what’s good for you, lady.

We head out to the Tsankawi Prehistoric site with some incredible cave homes of the ancient Indians. And unlike the ones inside Bandelier, we have these all to ourselves and can wander inside all of them.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 207tsankawi black

As we park, we realize we have to pay. Uh…really?

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 216tsankawi sepia

We already paid for Bandelier (which covers us for 7 days) but we tossed the receipt.

Hmm, do we take a chance and have a small town sheriff with a penchant for rape harass us?

Indeed.

Here I am, saving Louise’s very life!

santa fe saving julie

So, we do our hike through these amazing caves and cliff dwellings. The hiking path is actually this really weird ancient stone aqueduct. Most likely for the spilled blood to drain.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 224pathway

On the walls of the caves are ancient Petroglyphs; graffiti of the rebellious Indian teens, smoking their peace pipes behind the pueblo.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 225more drawings

Along the way are bits of ancient pottery, which we’re supposed to not touch and leave where we find it. The point of the place is an outdoor museum.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 205pottery shards

We decide to leave our Karma be and not sneak anything into our pockets.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 218cave drawings

My hikes back in LA are gonna SUCK after this!!

After we race back to our car, sure we are to find a $1000 ticket on the windshield (we lucked out) we head back to Santa Fe for lunch at The Shed.

It’s a nice, shady outdoor café and we order Green Chili Stew.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 230green chili

It’s a Santa Fe classic dish that has been dancing in my head since we got here.

I also order the Chilled Raspberry Soup (similar to chilled monkey brains). Quite nice.

Three bitefulls and it was finished.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 231raspberry soup

We wander around town to see the Oldest House in America (allegedly).

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 238oldest house

Wasn’t much going on there.

We walk around the very BROWN town.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 243santa fe streets

Then we see the a few old churches. I’m sure there’s some historical junk to note. That I didn’t note.

Then we see a mysterious staircase that a mysterious man made for the church from only wood, a hammer, some water and a level. No nails. And no support beams. Mysterious.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 235staircase

Apparently it was featured on Unsolved Mysteries a hundred years ago.

I light a prayer candle for my grandmother and then we head home for nap time. Yes, we’re 6 years old.

For dinner, we do the famous cornmeal crust pizza at Backroad Pizza, featured on ‘Dine-In’s, Diners and Dives’

We order the New Mexican pizza which features, of course, the omnipresent green chili’s and wash it down with an IPA.

Santa Fe, NM June 2010 245pizza

BTW, this blog took me about 17 hours to complete. You guys had better be grateful!

Santa Fe – CHILIS AND DEAD COW HEADS – DAY 2 & 3

  • June 22, 2010 10:15 pm

sf skulls chilis

The next morning, I wake up late (7:30 a.m.) and try desperately to connect to the internet for about 2 hours

I give up, throw my ancient laptop out the window, it crashes to the freeway below (which comprises 85% of our lovely view) and start to write my blog.

Something I must complain about, besides the plethora of wolfen art, is our toilet.

Our doting porcelain god has about 1% water pressure.

Watching my goodies descend through the tiny abyss reminded me of watching a clogged bathtub drain.

I had many a panicky moment.

We do a little DVD yoga before starting our day, as everyone does on vacation, right?

I had my cell phone next to me so I could text away. Even Yogi masters agree this is always a good idea.

We have breakfast at this cute little locals spot called Tesuque Village Market. Vintage jazz is playing as we scarf down our carnitas and eggs doused in Christmas sauce.

At this point in the trip, I cannot get enough of food covered in chili sauce. This will soon change. 8 hours later.

We head to the Tesuque Flea Market to do some turquoise shopping.

sf dreamcatchers

As it’s located on a reservation, no cameras are allowed. I believe there’s something to do with stealing and souls, but not quite sure what. I can’t be bothered to ask, I mean I don’t really care.

First of all, turquoise is expensive. I always thought it was cheap and only my grandmother wore the stuff, but apparently I’m wrong.

Dandelion puffs fly like snow all over Santa Fe, like a plague

Dandelion puffs fly like snow all over Santa Fe, like a plague

We happen upon a tent filled with turquoise and leather belts in disarray and a cowboy walks up. When he speaks, however, he sounds like Paul Lynne!

“Girl, I couldn’t sell that to you for less than a hundy (hundred)!”

He’s quite knowledgeable about all his wares (crap) and I soon realize that I will never be able to afford to buy any turquoise or leather products.

‘Where’s the $5 table??’, I ask internally? I want to get fake turquoise for my family, but there doesn’t seem to be any.

What kind of world do we live in??

sf clouds trees

I see a bracelet that is somewhat manly in the $200 range, which is the cheapest thing I’ve seen so far.

I decide that if I don’t see anything better in a week, we’ll come back before we leave.

On Turquoise overload, we head to downtown, very brown Santa Fe.

For more turquoise shopping.

Catholic Procession - Downtown Santa Fe

Catholic Procession - Downtown Santa Fe

Pretty soon, I discover a pattern and that pretty much everyone is selling the same stuff. In the town square, Native Americans are lined up next to each other, reading books and hanging out, each with a blanket full of jewelry.

There obviously is nothing else worth buying in Santa Fe.

I want food and candy containing chili powder. That’s become my one mission.

Eventually I buy Jalapeno Jam’s, Red Chili Pistachio Brittle and Popcorn with green/red chili on it.

sf brittle

I’m in chili heaven.

I devour the chili peanut brittle in seconds and then dig into the popcorn like a drug fiend who’s just gotten his fix.

We head to this outdoor sculpture garden.

sf flower sculpture

sf heads

We stop and have a beer and some chips and guacamole at some restaurant overlooking the square.

sf guac

As we walk back to our car, we realize many of the local musicians are playing the exact same Beatles song, “Let it Be”. A bit creepy.

Then we head home for a southwest nap. Covered in chili sauce.

For dinner, we drove to Pasqual’s, for which I had a reservation the PREVIOUS night. Oops. Turned away, we walk (in the wrong direction – have to turn around after 15 minutes) to The Cowgirl.

A fun, western-themed complex, Cowgirl is a Southwest BBQ joint.

I order the Mac and Cheese with Green Chili’s and Fried Chicken and Jalapeno Cornbread.

Just a light snack, however, this is pretty much my dream meal.

sf mac

We start every morning doing Yoga to this DVD that everyone is quite sick of.

We move all the living room furniture to the walls and make fun of everything this woman is saying, quoting her favorite mantra “I have a great ass, I have a great ass.”

We spent the past two days exploring New Mexico’s natural wonders and relaxing. It was quite lovely.

Monday, we head out to Bandelier National Monument to visit the 10,000 year old ruins of the ancient Pueblo civilization. Quite impressive.

sf bandelier

In addition to the stone foundations of their ancient homes, we get to explore the cliff dwellings, which was really cool.

They have ladders you can climb to the more impressive caves.

sf cliff dwellings

However, they were all currently inhabited…by loud children…

Not expecting to encounter this common, obtrusive species, we patiently wait as they wobble up the ladders speaking in foreign tongues, something along the lines of :

“Mommy, it’s too high up!”

We soon realize the best strategy is to dart ahead to another cave, where we find more children. We were befuddled.

As one little boy vacillates at the base of the ladder, I rush past him up the ladder at the speed of light (only partly to spite him) and look around the tiny 3 foot high cave, then scedaddle out in record time.

After we finish our hike, not seeing any of the promised petroglyphs (ancient Pueblo rock drawings) we set out on another hike that is supposed to take us to a waterfall and end at the Rio Grande river.

We hike through a wooded section, which smells incredible, and then we get to some treacherous cliffs where I pretend to slip several times, every time Louise shrieking at the top of her lungs “BRYAN!!”

We see the waterfall from a distance and decide we don’t need to continue to the Rio Grande.

sf hike

Especially when an overly tanned British man with the shortest shorts known to man traipses up and says it’s not really worth it. “Just a bit of marsh, love, not much to see.”

Ok, I added the ‘love’ part.

That evening Thelma and Louise take me to dinner for my birthday at the quaint, upscale Pasqual’s. I see mole on the menu and mole I must have.

Chicken Mole, Cilantro Rice, Orange Jicama Slaw

Chicken Mole, Cilantro Rice, Orange Jicama Slaw

Everything here is organic and the waiter with the weird mustache is quite attentive…and probably organic himself.

He tells us we must go to Ghost Ranch.

Old home of vagina flower painter, Georgia O’Keefe.

So, tomorrow, we take his advice.

Santa Fe – DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SANTA FE (we don’t) – DAY 1

  • June 21, 2010 9:17 pm

Jalapenos at the Grocery Store! A heavenly sight!

Jalapenos at the Grocery Store! A heavenly sight!

Before I write anything else about my Santa Fe adventure, let me say this.

Helen Keller designed the layout for the streets of Santa Fe.

She literally grabbed some parchment, scribbled madly like a woman possessed (she may have also moaned and drooled) and then thrust the Picasso-like result in the hands of the Mayor. I’m 99% sure of it.

Driving around Santa Fe without a navigation system (or even the services of Sacajawea) can drive anyone batty. By the time we finally reached our condo, I wanted to render my faculties useless, much like ‘ole Helen herself.

We arrived into Albuquerque and picked up our rental car and headed on our way. The views were less than spectacular, reminding me of a less interesting Palm Springs or Kern County.

But the New Mexico clouds….

Wow, they were literally 100 feet above us, enormous, billowing pillows begging to be slept on.

sf clouds

One giant cloud appeared as if it were descending upon us, like a malevolent alien spacecraft who’s residents were ready for some serious and thorough probing.

We drove to the quaint, artsy town of Madrid (not pronounced as you would think, much to my chagrin).

When you walk down the streets (admiring the lesbians in their finest REI attire) the shops are all located inside cute, old houses. Lots of southwest art….

Hmm…. Southwest art incorporates a lot of Native American art….

If you know me, you know my take on this dream-catching, wolf-in-the-moonlight genre.

This imaginative wolf on wolfe gem was aptly located in our bathroom.

sf wolf

Get it as far away from me as possible!!

We ate at the famous MINE SHAFT restaurant and I ate the Tortilla Burger. It was basically an enormous hamburger patty stuffed inside a tortilla, coated in cheese, and topped with what Santa Fe is famous for; Green and Red Chile sauce.

Opting for both types of chili’s (as I did below) is referred to as “Christmas”.

sf tortilla burger

Santa Fe equals chili sauce. They love chili’s. I love chili’s.

I thought we would be a match made in heaven. Sadly, Helen’s confusing road system turned my stomach enough to realize I wasn’t ready to commit and needed to see other cities.

On a random note, I saw some red chili peanut brittle at the airport and am still kicking myself for not getting it. In my world, everything would be spicy. Even toilet paper.

Our condo is a stereotypical 1980’s Santa Fe explosion. I have to just show you a picture.

sf condo

Every square available inch of wall space was covered in some hideous rendering of a desert scene or a Indian family staring into the sun.

We headed into town for dinner at EL FAROL.

We enjoyed a delicious margarita while waiting an hour for our Spanish tapas to arrive, only it to have been completely effed up by the waiter. He duplicated the order of the table next to us.

We started with a cheese plate.

sf cheese plate

Another hour…another margarita…

sf marg

I spent this time (besides talking to my friends, blah blah) staring at the world’s largest fanny pack on the world’s second largest ass.

This deluxe pack (special ordered online, no doubt) was quite the site, tied neatly around her ginormous culottes. The lady was chatting very loudly on the phone next to our table.

My staring was simple retaliation.

The food was worth the wait. Small plates of rib eye, tuna and pork with figs as well as fried spinach, paprika mashed potatoes and parmesan incrusted artichoke hearts.

Artichokes and Parmesan and ect.

Artichokes and Parmesan and ect.

Seared Tuna

Seared Tuna

Yum! Southwest Style!

BUN BOY IS BACK!

  • June 21, 2010 7:20 am

Well, tomorrow actually.

I just got back from an unofficial culinary tour of Santa Fe and boy is my stomach tired!

Lots of goodies in store for all you Bun-atics, I’ll be posting new pics and tales from the Land Of Enchantment every day this week.

You guys sure are lucky, I envy you.

Love and Sloppy Kisses,

BUN BOY

SEX AND CENTURY CITY

  • June 8, 2010 8:14 pm

casa lind

People go batty when you’re giving out free shit.

Whatever it is, from free lotion samples to a new ice cream flavor, people react to freebies in a manner which leads you to believe that free Gillette razors actually contain cancer killing enzymes!

I assisted Thelma and Louise last night at a Sex and the City promotional event at the Century City Mall.

Their friends own a winery in Paso Robles and one of the jewelry stores in the mall wanted to offer tastings of her wine to entice customers to their store during the event.

What the wine ended up enticing were groups of manic, crazed, wealthy, middle aged women on a mission.

Apparently, those attending the function (which included free cocktails, facials, a DJ) had to go to ten stores, getting a paper stamped at each one, and returning for a gift bag full of crap.

So, not only did these women completely ignore all the jewelry in the store, but they didn’t have time for a sip of wine either!

They needed to get these stamps.

They needed to get them fast.

They needed whatever the hell was in that gift bag.

Perhaps a free pink Chihuahua and a syringe filled with organic botox?

Eventually many of the women came back to try our wine. Like they were doing us a favor.

One woman and her two daughters came to ravage the cheese/cracker platter.

Her daughter picked up an enormous bunch of grapes (of which there were only 2)

“Oops” she mumbled, pretending to feel bad that now she had tainted all 70 grapes dangling from the stem and may as well abscond with them.

Her mother, who had zero interest in the wine, took large handfuls of the shaved parmesan cheese and asked if we had any napkins to put them in.

I made the joke that I could give her some tupperwear if she’d like.

The family actually came back and the daughter grabbed another more modest sized bunch of grapes, completely devastating our grape supply.

Much like a swarm of locusts would.

I tasted some of the wine myself, it was actually quite nice.

One weird tiny-nosed woman who just would not leave, kept saying how awful one of the red wines were.

But the b*tch wouldn’t leave and kept wanting to sample it!

“Yeah, that’s the bad one. Yup, it’s that one”

She kept pointing it out to everyone that came in.

Go away plastic surgery victim!!

Then she and another woman got in an argument about their opinions on the Sex and the City movie, both in thick New York accents.

“It was crude, I didn’t find it even remotely funny”

“It’s Sex and the City, what do you expect?! I found it very funny.”

Some lady gave me a free ticket for the flick in question so I left my friends with the mess and saw the movie.

I was the ONLY male in there. And the soberest as well.

I think if I had suddenly gone def, I would have enjoyed the movie just as much as I did listening to the horrific dialogue.

CASA LINDA:

A cute, casual new Mexican joint on Abbot Kinney. Incredible Tacos Pastor!

1357 Abbot Kinney Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90291
Neighborhood: Venice
(310) 664-1177

BUN BOY EATS JOSHUA TREE

  • June 1, 2010 10:04 pm

Joshua Tree 2010 tree at night

I love Joshua Tree.

I think if I decide to get cremated, I would like my ashes scrambled to the top of the boulders overlooking the ocean of eerie, twisted Joshua trees and then let the intense wind blow them away.

Preferably, directly into someone’s yawning mouth. I would like a good laugh as I disperse into oblivion.

Joshua Tree 2010 069bryanwithtree

My friends and I come to JT every year, each time picking the worst weekend for weather.

In past years, it’s been either hot as hell or colder than a witches tit in a brass bra face down in the snow.

This was another one of those years.

Joshua Tree 2010 167jtree at day

We caravanned with another car, my friend driving EXACTLY the speed limit and NOT tailgating anyone!

IT WAS PURE TORTURE.

How can people drive like this? It’s not very responsible, I tell you. Driving someone batty like that.

We arrive to our favorite campground, Hidden Valley, to find ZERO available spots.

We have to drive 20 minutes further into the park before we locate the enormous Jumbo Rocks site, unload our crap and begin the arduous task of setting up our tents.

I have the luxury of camping with Thelma and Louise, campers extraordinaire who do everything for me. I’ve become quite spoiled!

Joshua Tree 2010 045trio

They won’t, however, put up my tent.

I dread this part. I’m all thumbs and jam myself in the eye with a tent pole at least once every 16 seconds.

And then, when all is said and done and the tent is nicely staked in the dry earth, I realize the front door is facing a deadly prickly cactus plant.

In my laziness, I try to negotiate how I would wriggle through the 3 available inches of space into the tent entrance and not have to move the damn thing.

"An Amazing Campfire Quesadilla!" - Julia Roberts

Our favorite camping beverage is the Michelada. Our dear friend Risque has a very specific recipe for them, which we cannot deviate from. We must use Tecate Light.

CAN YOU SPOT THE HIDING LIMES?

Joshua Tree 2010 139micheladas

We sip our beer, lime, tequila concoctions, wishing it was about 10 degrees warmer and listen to the random, easy-listening tunes that emit from Thelma’s pathetically tiny boombox. It’s so old, I can only assume it was stolen from the set of Saved by the Bell.

Joshua Tree 2010 168spikemiadigjulie

For lunch, we snack on some incredible chicken salad that Louise has made, with basil and cranberries. This stuff is poultry heaven.

Which is why I posed my sandwich lovingly on a rock.

Joshua Tree 2010 001chicken

Who-A made some AWESOME cookies. I also posed them gratuitously on the same rock. Against their will.

Joshua Tree 2010 024cookie

We drank a bit too much that evening, and to use a joke that’s getting a bit old: By we, I mean me.

Once the white wine spritzers began a flowin’ and the desert dancing started, things got a bit kooky.

I was tied to my chair by the campfire and while I was “napping” someone drew a French looking mustache and goatee on my face with a sharpee!

When I woke up, I was looking at someone’s computer which as a little camera attached to it.

When I said “Hey look, I have a mustache” the guy replied, “Yeah, that’s just an application that ads facial hair to people.”

And I believed him.

Joshua Tree 2010 073bryankaisha

The following morning, I noticed I was getting strange looks from everyone. They all seemed on the verge of cracking up.

And people kept calling me Pierre and making “no berets in the desert” jokes.

I was clueless.

Until I took one of my million self cam pictures.

When I went to admire myself, I see what has been done to me.

I was impressed, to say the least.

Before we knew it, everyone was up. We assumed it was 11. It was 8.

What??

Who-A and I race off to hike up Ryan Mountain. We raced up the steep hill in record time, admiring the gorgeous views only on our way down.

Joshua Tree 2010 088miaonhike

Joshua Tree 2010 099dessert flowerJoshua Tree 2010 095hike#2Joshua Tree 2010 090hike#1

We later noticed the sign said the hike takes 2-3 hours. We had finished the whole thing in about 45 minutes! Nice work, us!

Later in the afternoon, we visit a quirky, outdoor art exhibit. A trash collage artist, if you will. I definitely appreciated it, as I used to do the same thing as a teenager.

I once covered my apartment wall with painted aluminum foil and painted over mannequin heads so they looked like aliens.

I was quite well adjusted.

Joshua Tree 2010 138outdoor white viewJoshua Tree 2010 137torsoJoshua Tree 2010 120pantsJoshua Tree 2010 114outdoor museum

That evening we wander around our campground, scramble on some rocks and watch the sun set. JT is so beautiful during this time, the magic hour.

Joshua Tree 2010 172morelandscape at sunsetJoshua Tree 2010 164flowersJoshua Tree 2010 156sunset

We eat some awesome steaks and corn for that evenings’ dinner, trying to stay warm by our pathetic dwindling fire.

"Amazing Campfire Rib Eye's!" - Julia Roberts, yet again

We thought the guy next door would be leaving us his firewood before he departed, but decided to stay another night, the bastard!

As we shiver, bundled in blankets, over the single, glowing piece of coal (just as Bob Cratchet would have done) the neighbor comes over with his kid and all of his firewood!

“Well, no point in having two fires!”

Good guy. Didn’t have a single thing of interest to say.

We spend a miserable, freezing, windy night.

My tent is missing its rain cover, so it was like it was sleeping inside a screen door all night. My tent was like a wind aphrodisiac!

My air mattress lost air the night before but I couldn’t be bothered to refill it. So, whenever I felt my butt touch the ground, I made sure to contort my body in unheard of positions to prevent future butt touchings.

The next morning, tired, cold and sore, we all wanted to get the hell out of there. I think we were completely packed up and gone by about 9!

The End.

Joshua Tree 2010 142group