Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Football and Cheese.

And…that’s about it.

Well, I’m being harsh.

There are also a lot of churches and super nice people.

There’s obviously something fishy going on in this unassuming town…

Sorry, I was just distracted by a woman who came into my office, parading around a cold sore caked in makeup.

Darlin’, you’re not fooling anybody.

I only looked at her lip twice…about 6 less times than I wanted to. Pat on back.

Ok, so the reason for my journey to Green Bay was for the half marathon.

I usually travel with my friend Captain to various US cities to run full marathons. I find myself growing weary and so I opted to take it easy on this one.

Our friend Mamy Mumacher joined us. We all ran the Air Force Marathon in Dayton, Ohio a few years back and decided it would be fun to reunite for another attempt to break down our joints and destroy our knees!

We stayed with Mamy’s parents, Priest and Nun (much like Moose and Squirrel)

Except they were actually a priest and nun who hooked up! How cool is that?

On our way to the front door, we were chided by Nun “Shh! The robin is nursing her baby in the tree right there!”

Throughout the trip, I inevitably slammed the door several times, scaring the bejesus out of the mother bird and probably preventing precious bile-infused cuisine from getting to the baby.

Speaking of which, Priest makes us some incredible healthy pancakes for breakfast!

We headed on over to the Fitness Expo to pick up our marathon bib at Lambeau Field, home of the Green Bay Packers.

This field is literally and emotionally the heart of the city. We spent the entire day in and around it.

We had a beer, cheese soup and CHEESE CURDS at Curly’s Pub inside the stadium.

I still don’t exactly know what CHEESE CURDS are but they are fried and DELICIOUS.

And deserve to always be capitalized.

However, we encountered an issue throughout the entire trip that still haunts me today.

Captain and dairy do NOT mix.

And we’re in Dairyland!

Captain basically rocketed herself throughout all of Green Bay, with her very own, all-natural gas.

It was, at times, mortifying.

Especially in line for frozen custard at Zesty’s. We usually had to leave the line, pretending we left our wallets in the car. All of our wallets.

We were in the Packers pro shop looking for stuff we didn’t need (I bought some Packers PJ’s) when we stopped to “admire” the Brett Favre section.

Mamy ABHORS Brett Favre.

So, when Captain came over saying “I could take a crap on Favre!”, she literally spewed an apocalyptic portion of noxious odors and we joked that she had basically done the next best thing!

We spent the majority of the afternoon in and around BEST BUY.

First, Captain had forgotten her iPod, so we were negotiating with about 7 BB employees on the best way to have her boyfriend email the music to them and them to transport the songs onto a new iPod she would buy.

This took many hours and still didn’t happen.

We spent so much time inside that Best Buy, I now am a flat screen TV expert.

Mamy and I made sure to took an extra long time perusing Bed, Bath and Beyond as Captain and her boyfriend argue over the phone.

I then took a nap in the Prius.

I guess I must have screwed with something because when the iPod ordeal had finally come to an end, Mamy was unable to turn on the car.

After many trials and tribulations, we look behind us and behold! A Toyota dealership!!

Which had just closed for the day.

We eventually asked a kind Best Buy employee to jump start us and we were on our way.

Captain scarfed down free bread samples we had gotten from the Fitness expo.

After all, starvation was imminent.

Priest and Nun cooked us a lovely pasta dinner and we all set out our running gear for the morning and headed off to bed.

We wake at 5:15 the next morning and drive to Lambeau Field.

It’s probably the calmest race I’ve ever been to. I have a good feeling about this…

We wait in the crowd at the start line and Captain gasses out the masses.

We begin our run and I do my best to keep up with the speedy Captain. Thanks to the Crystal Method I’m listening to, I’m properly motivated to keep up with her the entire time until she breaks off to finish the real race and I puss out and head to the finish line as she continues for 13 more miles!

I finish the race running directly on Lambeau Field, quite exciting (I think)! There weren’t really any spectators in the field, it was basically deserted. Not even one cheesehead!

I meet Mamy and Nun and I decide to forgo my free Bratwurst and head to go cheer Captain on. We drive to downtown Green Bay at mile 22 and wait and wait. And wait.

Finally Captain runs up looking just as fresh as she did that morning, she seems quite rejuvenated to see us and continues on her way.

After Captain finishes (WHAT A ROCK STAR!), I furociously grab my free Brat and whine over the free beer they have just ran out of…

We head home so we can relax for a bit. Afterwards, we have a late lunch at an old railway station turned brewery and then get some of that obligatory frozen custard.

Priest drives us to the airport the following morning where Captain has to leave for NYC and I hope I can get an earlier flight out of lovely Green Bay.

Thanks Priest and Nun for the hospitality, humor and great food!

Thanks Green Bay for all the lactose intolerance!