Coachella was about four things this year: Crowds, Neon, Feathers and Naanwiches.

This is my fourth year braving the intense Palm Springs (adjacent) heat and enormous sea of smelly humans converging to see an epic collection of bands.

The Coachella Music Festival, which has been around since 1998, is probably the most popular festival in the world. I figured this was true judging by the fact that every person on the planet seemed to be there.

Seriously, the crowds were so ridiculously enormous, that it was a joke. The type of joke that causes panic attacks. We basically had to form a train anytime we wanted to manuever through the sperm swimming upstream.

We left LA on Friday morning at around 10 and by the time we finally made it inside the festival, the 2.5 hour trip turned into 6 bloody hours!

While we waited in one of the three unncessary lines, having just been told they had run out of wristbands that were to serve as our tickets, a near riot ensued when someone tried to cut in line.

A man with a green hat began to boldly stroll between the two distinct lines that had formed. One of our party, Confucious, screamed “Hey, get in line buddy!”

Eventually the crowd began to chime in as well! Before you knew it, everyone in earshot was chanting “GREEN HAT!! GREEN HAT!! GREEN HAT!!”

It was quite amusing.

When we weren’t rushing from band to band at either of the five tents and stages, we were eating. A lot.

We have a schizophrenic style of doing Coachella.

We see a few songs of one band, than race off to see another. It’s a fun, hectic schedule.

Tenille runs a tight ship and her boyfriend and I follow her lead, obedient soldiers ready to cram as much music in our systems as possible.

After leaving one of the bands, we notice a girl sitting against a small recycling bin in the middle of the main grassy walkway, BLATANTLY PEEING.

People were snapping photos, I was in such shock, I had to be convinced of what she was actually doing.

“No Sander, she’s PEEING”, insisted Tenille.

I saw the stream of urine come right at me, like a 3-D movie. Not a scene likely to be found in Alice in Wonderland or Avatar.

Her facial expression was that of “Yeah, yeah, I know. But I couldn’t hold it, deal with it.” She also managed to roll her eyes as if she couldn’t be more bored.

We ended the crazy night with Jay Z doing his thing. Or thang.

We only caught a few songs before escaping to our hotel but managed to miss Beyonce come out and woo the audience.

Confucious is enamored with Beyonce. Not just her, but her music as well. If you knew him, you would know this makes absolutely no sense.

One time he followed 4 pre teen girls who swore that they saw Beyonce watching a concert from somewhere yonder.

We had a horrific experience out of the parking lot that night. More on that in Part 2. Stay tuned suckas!