“How come you never blog about your poor family?”, my mother kvetches.

Well, Mom. Here ya go. Don’t flinch.

I promised myself I would never come to Disneyland again, unless I went with a child.

I’ve frequented Disneyland sans youngin’s more times than I’d like to admit. So, when my mother, sis and niece boarded their private jet headed directly to Anaheim, I couldn’t resist.

I know Disneyland in and out, through and through. It’s borderline weird.

However, I’m no Disney expert, I haven’t seen most Disney movies. But darn if I don’t know exactly where in the Magic Kingdom to get the best Monte Cristo sandwich in SoCal.

When I tried to get it again, I was brutally rebuffed (“Sorry Sir, we’re not able to accomodate anyone without a reservation.”)

Really? I’m surrounded by jean shorts and fanny packs and multiple lanyard-wearing middle America! How on earth do THEY know to make a reservation before I do?!

Here’s my sis and my niece, enjoying a Mickey Pretzel, one of many.

My niece Ava is adorable. And she loves princesses. At least that’s what she puts on her Match.com profile!

Does a four year old really get what a relationship with a prince entails? Does she comprehend Happily Ever After?

It must be instinct.

So, to quell this obsession with the impending disappointment which is the fairy tale, I decided it was a good idea to take her on a super fast roller coaster and scare the crap out of her.

I felt SO bad.

I had no clue the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad went so fast. My mom was also freaking out.

She must have been in shock because she didn’t cry in the entire time.

Until we got off. Her face exhibited pure terror and fear (and lots of crying).

Because of this trauma I had induced, we were unable to convince her to ride the super slow Snow White ride, even after waiting 30 minutes in line.

She saw that cart roll up and she began screaming as if we had just demanded that she skydive!

So, the rest of the day, we rode the baby rides and feared what weird thing would freak her out next.

Apparently she has no interest in seeing any of the bugs in A Bug’s Life.

We had to lie to her for the Soaring Over California ride and tell her she would be flying over lots of Princesses.

For dinner I had some salty ass chicken strips and fries. Tasty. But salty. My eyes instantly swelled shut.

For the next night’s dinner, I had a pulled pork sandwich and cole slaw.

Aww, cole slaw.

Just looking at this mayo-infested concoction made me run to the restroom.

The slaw stuck with me, well into the next day. It wasn’t pretty.

But this funnel cake made up for it.

The next morning, we had a breakfast buffet at Goofy’s Kitchen. Another way Disney likes to snatch cash directly from your wallet while smiling wide and taking your picture (and then charging $30 for it).

Instead, we snapped our own photo of Goofy, later in the day. Or is that Pluto?

The buffet is famous for their Peanut Butter and Jelly Pizza.

Here’s the “It’s a Small World” Ride. Perhaps the most annoying song in existance.

My unlucky mother fell down the stairs in her home on New Years’ Day (“I have a feeling that is going to set the tone for the whole year”), so we had to take it easy.

She mentioned that after day two her feet might shatter into smithereens.

I felt bad but I was a drill sergeant, regardless. We had tea cups to ride and pretzels to scarf down, dammit.

Mom, in honor of your birthday, this blog’s for you!!